


Remedy

by thesmolestnerd



Series: Thorn to the Brain AU [3]
Category: Women's Soccer RPF
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Arguing, Brain Damage, Brain Surgery, But smut, Disability, F/F, Head Injury, Hurt/Comfort, Idiots in Love, Injury Recovery, Permanent Injury, Smut, TBI, hospitalizations, not that much, siezures, yeah like a lot of angst
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-13
Updated: 2019-01-04
Packaged: 2019-06-26 23:19:11
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 17
Words: 18,299
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15673317
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thesmolestnerd/pseuds/thesmolestnerd
Summary: After Tobin comes home from rehab, she expects a nice recovery with her fiancee. But of course, life is never that simple. When Christen leave to play in Sweden, Tobin needs to learn to be independent again as Christen struggles to decide whether she wants what's best for Tobin or what Tobin insists she wants for her.Sequel to Thorn to the Brain





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Hey guys! I'm back, sort of. I don't know when the next chapter is coming it could be before the end of the week, it could be the end of next week. But I'm super excited to be working on this again. 
> 
> I hate titles, so I got the title from this vid of Tobin playing this song:  
> https://thesmolestnerd.tumblr.com/post/176008484234/tweakintweakin-padfootnprongs21-what-are-you
> 
> So I want to tell Christen's POV, but I don't want to have to write her in Sweden. I don't know enough about the teammates and Swedish soccer. So I'm having her POV be told through an online support group for loved ones of people with TBI. Tell me if you guys like it or if you have other suggestions or if you like the format or not.
> 
> and hey  
> thanks

_Tobin woke up. She felt sticky and stiff. She tried to groan and roll over, cuddling into Christen. But she couldn’t move. Her eyes wouldn’t open. They were crusty. Tobin let out a groan. She went to move her arm. But it wouldn’t move. She wanted to wipe her eyes. But it wouldn’t move. Tobin set out a small cry. She flexed her jaw and tried to move her head. Her neck fell to the side. Tobin let out another cry._

_“Oh, honey, you’re alright.” She felt something cool touch her face. Tobin jerked back. “Relax. I’m just wiping off your face.” The cloth wiped the dried gunk from her eyes. Tobin blinked. The world looked blurrier. Even more so than it normally did without her glasses. The bed was much firmer than her bed usually was. Everything felt…wrong. She was so sore. Even more than she usually was the morning after games. Her head was stuffy, her shoulders hurt. Tobin groaned again._

_There was a woman standing over her. Tobin had never seen her before. Where was Christen?_

_“C-chruh…” said Tobin. She let out another groan and a noise. The lady patted her hand and touched a tube on the back of Tobin’s hand. Tobin whined. Where was she? Why did everything hurt? Where was Christen?_

_“Relax, dear. You got a little hurt, but it’s okay now. You’re safe.” No. She didn’t know where she was. She didn’t know what happened. She didn’t know where Christen was. Tobin let out a whine. Her mouth wouldn’t work the way she wanted it to._

_The lady shushed her and injected something into the tube on the back of her hand. Whatever it was, Tobin didn’t want it. Tobin just wanted Christen. She wanted soccer. Why couldn’t she move?_

 

Tobin’s eyes shot open. Her arm jerked back.

 

“Ah! Tobin.” Tobin rolled over. Christen rubbed her ribs. “Baby, what’s the matter? Are you okay?” Tobin squeezed her eyes shut and opened them back up again.

 

“Just a dr-dream,” said Tobin. Christen rolled over and pulled Tobin to her chest.

 

“Are you okay?” she said softly, nipping on Tobin’s ear. Tobin swallowed and flexed her hands.  

 

“Yeah…” Christen rubbed her hand up and down Tobin’s belly.

 

“Do you wanna talk about it?” Christen said.

 

“It w-was from wuh-when I was in the hospital. I wuh-woke up alone,” said Tobin. She rubbed her face. “I couldn’t…talk…or move.” Christen kissed the back of Tobin’s head.

 

“I’m sorry you were alone,” said Christen.

 

“I’m not mad…y-you couldn’t say there ev-every night…it was just…sc-ary…” Tobin intertwined her fingers with Christen and squeezed her hand. “I love you.”

 

“I love you too,” said Christen. “I’m sorry that all this happened to you.” Tobin shook her head.

 

“D-don’t wanna talk about it,” said Tobin. Christen nodded.

 

“Okay.” Christen continued rubbed Tobin’s belly, and slipped her arm under the shirt. “Do you need anything? Do you need your pain meds?”

 

“Chris…” whined Tobin.

 

“Alright,” said Christen. “I’ll stop. I just ask because I love you.” Tobin nodded.

 

“If ah-I need something I’ll tell you,” Tobin mumbled into the pillow. Christen smirked.

 

“Alright,” she said. Tobin huffed and turned, over pecking Christen on the lips. Christen giggled.

 

“Y-you have y-your game to-to-morrow. Go to bed,” Tobin said.

 

“Alright,” said Christen. She nipped at Tobin’s ear. “Good night, love.”

 

“G’night,” said Tobin. She felt Christen’s breathing even out. Tobin laid still but her brain wouldn’t shut down.

 

Tobin closed her eyes and waited a moment she shimmied out from under Christen’s arm. Christen’s breath stuttered. Tobin froze. Christen went back to breathing softly. Tobin leaned over and picked up her cane from the floor and walked out of the room, heavily leaning on the wall.

 

She felt something lick at her ankles and smiled. Morena and Khaleesi licked at her ankles. Tobin kneeled down awkwardly, trying not to fall over. She fell back on her ass.

 

“Hi girls,” mumbled Tobin. “Where’s…?” One last dog came over. She sniffed at Tobin and nudged her arm. “’M kay, Orange…D-don’t get Chris.” Orange sniffled at her and laid her head next to thigh. Tobin smiled at the dog and scratched her head. Tobin saw one of the soccer balls near the couch. She flunch her crutch out and hit it towards her. Tobin pulled the ball between her legs.

 

“H-hey, hey girls…wanna get it?” said Tobin. She rolled the ball down the hall. Morena and Khaleesi chased after it. Tobin chuckled as Morena nudged the ball back to Tobin. “Good girl…” Tobin leaned her head on the side of the couch.

 

The motion of the ball and the comforting presence of the dogs slowly began to lull her into relaxation. She slowly closed her eyes as the dog cuddled her…

 

“Tobin!” Tobin jerked up. Her eyes shot open and slammed back shut at the bright light.

 

“Wha…?” muttered Tobin.

 

“Jesus, Tobin, are you okay?” said Christen. Tobin blocked her eyes with her hand and looked up. Christen was kneeling over her, looking mildly terrified as Orange stood next to her proudly.

 

“Goddammit,” said Tobin. “I’m f-fine…Stupid fucking d-dog.”

 

“Why are you sleeping on the floor?” asked Christen. Tobin shook her head, as Christen looked her over.

 

“Just sitting out here. N-no seizure,” she said. “Couldn’t sl-sleep. Wanted to, um, pl-play with dogs.” Christen sighed and nodded.

 

“Okay. Sorry, baby,” said Christen. She kissed her forehead. “Come back to bed.” Christen walked back to her room. Tobin sighed and glared at Orange.

 

“Th-thanks for making her w-worry…” said Tobin. She rubbed the dog’s head and got up. She followed Christen to bed.

*****

Christen scrolled through her phone and opened up the internet. She tapped her fingers against her legs as the web page loaded up.

 

** TBI Loved Ones Support Group **

_Doglover1723 had entered the chat_

_Group Admin_ : Nice of you to join us, although a little late.

 

 _Doglover1723:_ Sorry. I had a little scare.

 

 _Vethubby_ : We’ve all been there before. Everything okay?

 

 _Doglover1723:_ Yeah. Woke up and my fiancée wasn’t in bed. Her service dog was licking and nudging m like she does when something’s wrong. I thought she’d gotten confused and wandered off or seized. She was just sitting in the living room, asleep. She said she’d been playing with the dogs because she couldn’t sleep.

 

 _Bestbigbro757_ : We’ve all been there before. My bro ran off once after we moved because he didn’t recognize the house. Had to call the cops and everything. It could be worse.

 

 _Pinkranger349:_ Don’t minimize that. We all know how scary it is to wake up and think something happened to them again.

 

 _Group admin_ : It’s normal to feel scared when you don’t know where your loved one with a TBI went. But @ _Doglover1723_ hasn’t your fiancée been doing better with her comprehension?

 

 _Doglover1723:_ It’s still hard to not worry.

 

 _Bestbigbro757:_ #relatable

 

 _Doglover1723:_ And I have a big work thing tomorrow. It’s going to be the longest time we’ve been apart since she got released from rehab.

 

 _Pinkranger349:_ Who’s watching her?

 

 _Doglover1723_ : Long time friend. She knows when to give her her meds and what to do if she seizes

 

 _Bestbigbro757:_ But it still scares the shit out of you.

 

 _Doglover1723:_ Pretty much.

 

 _Group Admin:_ Remember that communication is important. With both your friend and with you fiancée. And remember, we’re here for you if you need us.

 

 _Doglover1723:_ Thanks J

 

 

Tobin groaned and nudged Christen’s shoulder.

 

“Alright,” said Christen. “I’m putting my phone away. Sorry.” Tobin grumbled. Christen leaned forward and kissed the scar in Tobin’s hair.

 

“Love you,” she said. Tobin grunted in agreement.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I just really wanted to write more. I can't promise I will update this often regularly. If I don't update by Thursday, assume I won't again until late next week, as I'm going to be out of town from Thurs-Mon.
> 
> Lemme know what you think!

Tobin woke up to someone shoving her shoulder. Tobin whined.

 

“Hey, Tobs. Get up.” Tobin blinked awake.

 

“K-Kel…?” Kelley stood over her.

 

“Good morning,” said Kelley. “How do you feel?” Tobin rubbed her face and shrugged. “Christen had to leave early. She said you had a rough time last night and wanted to let you sleep in.” Tobin nodded and sat up, the muscles in her back protesting. “We still have a while to get ready for the game.” Tobin nodded again and let her feet dangle of the edge of the bed.

 

“Here, I have your meds,” said Kelley. Kelley grabbed the needle-less syringes. “Open.” Kelley squeezed the liquid meds into her mouth. Tobin grimaced as they went down. Kelley held out a glass with a straw to her. Tobin took a sip.

 

“Thanks,” Tobin said. Kelley handed her her crutches.

 

“Breakfast?” asked Kelley. Tobin nodded. “Oh, wait.” Kelley reached over and grabbed Tobin’s socks and ankle braces. Tobin sighed and flopped back as Kelley pulled the socks up mid-calf. Kelley pulled the pulled the stiff, hard plastic braces up over the socks. Tobin winced as Kelley pulled the straps tight. “That feel okay?” Tobin nodded.

 

Kelley served Tobin some oatmeal. Tobin gripped the spoon awkwardly and ate some.

 

“Is this your first time seeing one of Christen’s games since…” said Kelley. Tobin nodded. “Are you excited?” Tobin shrugged. Kelley raised an eyebrow.

 

“H-happy to see Chris pl-play…wuh-want to pl-play too…” said Tobin. Kelley nodded.

 

“Me too,” she said.

 

“You’ll b-be able to pl-play again…I won’t…” said Tobin. Kelley nodded.

 

“I know. Just trying to lighten the mood,” said Kelley. She nudged Tobin. Tobin’s hand spasmed and she dropped the spoon. It fell into the oatmeal, splashing it on the table. Tobin leaned back and sighed. “Shit. Sorry!” Tobin stared down at her foot. She pushed it away and got up.

 

“Want change,” said Tobin.

 

“Can you eat a little more?” asked Kelley. Tobin shook her head. “If you don’t eat more, they’re going to put a feeding tube in again.” Tobin stared down at her food. She sat down and took a few more bites. Her throat muscles working overtime to try and swallow as they protested even the soft food. Tobin started coughing. “Alright, alright. You’re done. You can stop.” Kelley clapped her on the back. Tobin coughed into a paper towel. “Sorry, sorry I pushed you.” Tobin knocked Kelley’s hand off. “I’ll grab some clothes you can chose from.”

 

Kelley ran back to her and Christen’s room as Tobin limped back to her room. Kelley laid out 3 shirts and 3 pants.

 

“Ready to choose?” said Kelley. Tobin looked down and licked her lips. She fell onto the bed and stared at the clothes. “Do you wanna wear your jersey? Or Christen’s jersey? Or one of your training shirts?” Tobin looked at the clothes and pressed her face into the bed and sighed. “You okay?” Tobin nodded. “Can you choose?” Tobin stared at the clothes. She reached her hand out and pulled it back.

 

“Don’ wan’ ch-chose,” Tobin mumbled into the bed. Pain blossomed behind her eye.

 

“Okay. Here, I’ll help you in the bathroom, then we can dress,” said Kelley. Tobin tried not to dwell on the fact that she dribbled all over herself as she brushed her teeth. Kelley got her back to her room.

 

“C’mon, just chose a shirt. I’ll match your pants for you,” said Kelley. Tobin rubbed her forehead and stared at the shirts until her eyes blurred. Making decisions made her head hurt. The stress of choosing something wrong, not being able to assess consequences…

 

“No,” muttered Tobin.

 

“Tobin, please.” Tobin pressed her face into the bed and grabbed a random shirt. Tobin looked up. It was Christen’s. “Thanks. Good job.” Tobin grabbed a pair of athletic shorts. “Roll over.” Tobin considered fighting her, briefly. She was a nearly 30-year-old woman. She could dress herself.

 

Kelley stopped herself.

 

“Are you okay with me doing this? We need to leave soon,” said Kelley. Tobin sighed and nodded. Kelley pulled off her PJs and pulled on her shorts, a bra, and her shirt. She brushed Tobin’s hair and pulled it back in a ponytail. She slid on Tobin’s glasses. “There. All good?” Tobin nodded. Kelley leaned down to tie Tobin’s sneakers. She rubbed Tobin’s knee.

 

“So, I was thinking that we take your chair and leave Orange at home?” said Kelley. Tobin bit her lip. “I know you’d rather take Orange, but I think it will be easier to move around if we don’t have her. Also I know you really don’t want to attract attention…” Tobin nodded. “Sounds good?” Tobin nodded again. “We can bring your cane too.” Tobin nodded a third time. Kelley grabbed the chair and pushed the chair down the hall. “I’m gonna put this in the car. I’ll be back.”

 

Tobin leaned over and petted Orange.

 

“Wuh-wish I could t-take you…” said Tobin. _But I understand why Kelley doesn’t think I should._

 

Kelley walked back in, throwing a backpack over her shoulder.

 

“Come on,” she said.

*******************************************************************************

It was so fucking loud. It was loud waiting to go through the metal detectors—which took far too long. It was loud while waiting in line for the bathroom. It was loud while getting to their seats. Tobin covered her ears with her shoulder.

 

“Are you okay?” asked Kelley. Tobin shrugged and looked down at the pitch. She pushed her glasses farther up her face and squinted. “She’s waving at you.” Tobin followed Kelley’s eyeline. She waved at Christen who looked up and winked. Tobin grinned. She rolled her ring around her finger. Kelley nudge her shoulder and smirked at her.

 

“Hi.” Tobin and Kelley turned. There was a man standing with two younger girls. Tobin’s stomach dropped.

 

“Hi,” said Kelley.

 

“Can I take a picture with you?” said the older girl. “I, um, you guys are really cool. You’re my favorite players. Both of you.” Tobin smiled and nodded. Kelley turned around and turned around Tobin’s wheelchair. The older girl stood next Kelley. Tobin gestured for the younger girl to come closer. Tobin leaned down and pulled the girl on her lap. The girl giggled in surprise.  The older girl’s jaw dropped in surprise. The man, their dad presumably, took the picture.

 

“What do you say, girls?” he said.

 

“Thank you,” they both said. Tobin gave the older girl a hi-five. They walked away with their dad and Kelley turned Tobin back around.

 

“You know you can talk. Your speech isn’t going to get any better if you don’t talk,” said Kelley.

 

“I nuh-know. Didn’t want t-to scare…kids,” said Tobin. Kelley just nodded. “And h-hate t-taking—being in puh-pictures now…”

 

“You look fine,” said Kelley.

 

“Flabby,” said Tobin.

 

“You are not flabby,” said Kelley. Tobin gave her a look. “Okay, you lost some muscle mass, but you are getting it back.” Tobin rolled her eyes. She pulled herself up in her chair.

 

“Need help?” asked Kelley. Tobin shook her head. She hunched over to look over the ledge. She rolled her ring around her finger. She wiped her sweaty forehead on her shirt sleeve.

 

“Thirsty?” asked Kelley.

 

“Duh-on’t mom me,” said Tobin. Kelley shook her head.

 

“Okay, I’ll stop. If you promise to let me know if you need anything,” said Kelley. Tobin rolled her eyes and nodded. “Okay. Good.”

 

Alex and Christen were both starting, for once. Kelley was super into it. Tobin would normally be too. Especially when Christen scored and kissed a “T” she made with her fingers.

 

But something didn’t feel right. Her head almost pounded almost violently. She felt really, really hot and uncomfortable. She had a slightly metallic taste in her mouth. Things just felt wrong. Kelley knocked Tobin gently on the shoulder. Tobin thought she was teasing her about the “T” or maybe…

 

The metallic taste got more powerful.

 

The next time she opened her eyes, she was flat on her back somewhere soft.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Surprise! Next chapter! This will almost definitely be the last one until Tuesday at the earliest.

Tobin pushed herself up.

 

“Wuh-wuh-t happened?” said Tobin. Kelley was sitting next to her. Her head shot up as soon as she heard Tobin.

 

“Hey.” Relief washed over her face. “You just had a seizure. You’re okay.” Tobin nodded and leaned back against the table and closed her eyes. She sighed.

 

“How l-long?” said Tobin.

 

“Like forty minutes?” said Kelley, glancing at her phone. Tobin reached up and rubbed her head. Kelley handed her a wet towel. She wiped her face off. She was still covered in sweat. “We’re in the trainer’s room. I figured you wouldn’t want to go to the first aid tent and since…” Tobin nodded.

 

“Th-thank you,” said Tobin. Kelley smiled. Tobin moved every part of her muscles, trying to asses the damage. “Wuh-we winning?”

 

“Yep 2-1,” said Kelley. Tobin nodded. She opened her eyes and sat up, ignoring the seizing of her muscles. She felt a pair of eyes on her. She looked over…

 

It was a teammate. Of hers. Someone who she’s played with before. Someone who’s played with her for months. They went to camp together. She was younger. She was young. She went to the school Christen went to. Kelley went to. She was the tall one…she stole Tobin’s number.

 

“You okay, Heath?” she said, pulling herself up. She had her ankle wrapped up and iced on the cot. Tobin nodded slowly.

 

“You st-stole my nuh-number,” said Tobin. The girl’s face fell.

 

“Tobin…” said Kelley.

 

“No, uh, I gave it back. See?” The girl turned her back. “I’m 12 now.” Tobin squinted.

 

“Davidson…” Tobin muttered. The girl, Tierna Davidson, looked at confused. She made eye contact with Kelley and leaned back. Tobin sat up looking at the TV. She watched the ball get passed down the field.

 

“Here,” said Kelley. She slid Tobin’s glasses back on her face.

 

“Thanks,” mumbled Tobin. Tobin squinted at the TV. “Game’s almost oh-over.” She heard a thud. Tobin turned to see Tierna sprawled out on her ass on the ground with Kelley standing over her. Tobin furrowed her eyebrows.

 

“Wuh-what?” said Tobin. “Are you okay?” Tierna nodded.

 

“Yeah. Um, I’m sorry,” she said. Tierna scrambled to her feet and limped out of the room.

 

“What’d y-you…do?” said Tobin.

 

“Nothing,” said Kelley.

 

“Lair,” snapped Tobin. Kelley stuck her tongue out at her.

 

“Rest before the game ends and Christen comes in and smothers you,” said Kelley. Tobin leaned back and sighed.

 

“Wuh-wanna see Christen sc-score…” said Tobin. Kelley shook her head and sighed.

 

“You can,” said Kelley. Tobin pulled the pillow down lower and turned to face the TV…

 

“Tobin!” Tobin startled away. Christen came running at her. “Hi, baby. Are you okay?”  Tobin nodded as Christen threw her arms around her and squeezed her shoulders. “I heard you had a seizure. I’m so sorry. How do you feel?”

 

“’M okay,” said Tobin. She pushed her face into Christen’s hot, sweaty shoulder. “Duh-did you sign?” Christen furrowed her eyebrows.

 

“Are you asking if I met and signed for fans?” asked Christen. Tobin nodded. “I didn’t…”

 

“G-go,” said Tobin. “I’ll muh-meet you at huh-home…” Christen sighed.

 

“Tobin, it’s—” Tobin shook her head.

 

“Go,” she said. Christen kissed her cheek and ran off.

 

“Let’s go home?” asked Kelley. Tobin nodded. Kelley pushed her chair over and over. Tobin moved into her chair. Tobin sunk into it. “Can I push you?” Tobin nodded. Kelley pushed her out of the stadium.

 

The ride home was quiet. Tobin pressed her forehead against the cool glass of the window. Her head throbbed with the motion of the car.

 

“Did you have fun at the game? Before the seizure, I mean,” said Kelley. Tobin shrugged. Her stomach rolled. “Okay. I’ll let you chill.” Tobin closed her eyes.  

 

“Hey, Tobs. We’re here,” said Kelley. It felt like no time had passed when they arrived back at the house. Kelley helped Tobin back in her chair. They got back into the house.

 

Tobin pushed herself back into her room and threw herself onto her stomach. She pulled the pillow over her head. She tried to stop the ringing in her ears and the dizziness and tilting that she felt.

 

Someone touched the back of her thigh. Tobin jumped.

 

“Hey, shh…” Tobin turned over and dropped the pillow.

 

“Christen?” said Tobin. “Early?” Christen looked at the clock.

 

“Tobin, it’s been almost an hour and a half.” Tobin sighed and flopped back down on the bed. Christen rubbed her back. “Are you feeling okay?” Tobin shrugged.

 

“Yeah,” she said quietly. “Just a-an ache.” Christen nodded. “Wuh-wanna sh’wer?” Christen shook her head.

 

“I already did,” said Christen. She pulled off her shoes. “We can just relax.” Christen laid down next to her and pulled Tobin on her chest. Christen winced.

 

“Sore?” asked Tobin. Before Christen could answer, Tobin rolled and grabbed the Icy-Hot from the bedside table. “L-let me…please…” Christen sighed and kissed her on the lips.

 

“What did I do to deserve you?” Tobin grinned goofily. She popped open the cap and started rubbing it on Christen’s aching legs. Christen giggled, and Tobin kissed her knee. Christen rolled her eyes. “Oh my God.” Tobin put more firm pressure into Christen’s thigh, and she moaned. Christen’s hand slid down and rubbed Tobin’s shoulder.

 

“Feel…good?” asked Tobin. Christen squeezed her shoulder.

 

“You always make me feel better, baby,” said Christen. Tobin moved to her other leg. “You’re too good to me.” Tobin smiled.

 

“J-just doing for you…what you d-do for me,” said Tobin. Christen’s hand drifted up from Tobin’s shoulder and rubbed her cheek before dropped her hand by her side.

Tobin continued her ministrations. Christen pecked her forehead.

 

After a minute she nudged Tobin up.

 

“Come on, baby,” she said. “I know you’re exhausted.” Tobin crawled up by her side. Tobin tucked her face into Christen’s neck. Christen rubbed circles on her back. “I’m sorry your first game since the accident wasn’t perfect. I really wanted you to have fun.” Tobin shook her head.

 

“It’s f-fine,” said Tobin. “Happy we wuh-won.”

 

“It’s not fine. I know you’re upset,” said Christen. Tobin shrugged.

 

“I wanted to…play…” said Tobin. Christen kissed the top of her head.

 

“I know. I missed you out there,” said Christen. Tobin sniffled. “Oh, Tobin.”

 

“I duh-don’t want to…um, see anymore games,” said Tobin. Christen squeezed her.

 

“Okay, okay. We don’t have to,” said Christen. “I’m so sorry, baby.”

***************************************************************

** TBI Loved Ones Support Group **

_Doglover1723 had entered the chat_

 

 _Vethubby:_ How was your trip?

 

 _Doglover1723:_ Fine. I did well on my presentation.  

 

 _Group Admin:_ I’m sensing a but?

_Doglover1723:_ My fiancée had a seizure while I wasn’t there and didn’t recognize a friend of ours.

_Pinkranger349:_ Oh no! Is she okay?

 

 _Doglover1723:_ She didn’t end up in the ER.

 

 _Group Admin:_ And are you okay?

 

 _Doglover1723:_ I’m just tired.  I wish she didn’t have to go though this. I wish I could take this all away.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here's the next chapter. I have no idea when I'll be updating next, as I move into school tomorrow and my classes start on Mon (and my boss hasn't given me my work schedule). But I'll try to get the next chapter out soon.

Tobin woke up with a pounding pain behind her eye. It was like someone had shoved a pencil in her eye socket. She had a metal taste in her mouth. The room was blurry. She let out a shaky breath. She pushed herself up. Pain shot through her body. Her muscles tensed, and she fell back to the bed, her brain screaming. She let out cry.

 

“Tobin?” said Christen. Tobin groaned. Her pants felt wet. When she tried to move, she had pissed herself. She was a grown ass woman, and she’d pissed herself. She hadn’t even had a seizure. 

“Hu-hu-hurts…” said Tobin. Christen rubbed Tobin’s cheek.

“I’ll get you your meds, okay?” she said. Tobin let out another whine. Her body wouldn’t move. Christen walked back in. “Can you sit up?” 

“Nuh-no,” said Tobin. Christen put the syringe down. 

“Okay. I’m going to help you sit up, baby. I don’t want you to choke,” said Christen. Tobin whined. Christen out her arms around Tobin’s back and pulled her up. Tobin screamed as her muscles tensed and spasmed. “Shh…I’m so sorry, Tobs. I’m sorry.” Christen injected the syringe in her mouth. Tobin shuddered at the taste. Christen held her up as the meds started taking affect. Tobin’s eyes drooped and her muscles relaxed. She tucked her face in Christen’s shoulder.

“What hurts?” asked Christen. Tobin shook her head. 

“Ev-eh-ev…” Tobin stopped and squeezed her eyes shut. 

“Everything hurt?” said Christen. Tobin made a noise of affirmation. “Did it start with your head?” Tobin had the pain. The kind that made her nauseous and made the light hurt her eyes and…fuck she forgot the word. Tears dripped down from her eyes. “Oh, baby…” Christen shushed her. “Did you have another seizure? Did you fall?” Tobin shook her head. She sniffled. “What’s wrong?” Lights and colors flashed in front of her eyes. She leaned off Christen’s shoulder and vomited. “Oh, baby, do you have a migraine?” Tobin nodded and gagged.

“I’ll get your other meds,” said Christen. Tobin grabbed Christen’s shirt. “Okay. I won’t go. But I need to get my phone and text Alex and Kelley. They were going to come to dinner since we were all in town.” Tobin nodded.

“Nuh-nuh,” said Tobin. 

“Yeah. Don’t worry. I’m cancelling,” said Christen. “I’m sorry that you’re in so much pain, baby.” Tobin nodded and pressed her face even harder against her neck. “Tobin, you know that I love you and want to cuddle with you, but I need to clean up the vomit.” Tobin nodded. She shifted uncomfortably the bed. She was still wet. She squeezed her eyes shut and pulled on Christen's shirt "I'll be right back, baby," she said. Tobin shook her head. And closed her eyes as pain seized her neck. Christen shifted her hold on Tobin. Confusion flashed on her face. She pulled back the covers and looked down. "Oh, Tobs..." Christen laid her back on the bed and pulled a blanket up over her shoulder and kissed her cheek. 

Christen pulled down the covers and phleed down her pants and underwear. Tobin squeezed here eyes shut and tried to focus on the reassurances Christen murmured. 

Pain lanced through her back as Christen rolled her over, changing the sheets from under her, and lifting her hips to put on some clean clothes.

"I'll be right back..."

Tobin laid there, unmoving, as Christen bustled around. Maybe if she didn’t move, didn’t think, didn’t breathe, it wouldn’t hurt. She was wrong. The pain didn’t go away. She couldn’t keep track of time. She couldn’t tell if it had been ten minutes or even an hour. But after a while, she felt the bed dip. 

“I’m back,” Christen said. “Do you want your migraine meds? It’s the shot.” Tobin nodded. “Okay.” Christen grabbed the syringe and a wipe. She pulled Tobin’s sweat pants down to expose her hip and wiped off her thigh. “Deep breath.” She jabbed Tobin in the thigh. She groaned. “Relax, Tobs. Almost done.” Christen pulled it out and put it in the sharps container. She pulled up the waist band of the pants and rubbed at her hip. Christen curled up behind her and pressed her chest to Tobin’s back. She draped a wet towel over Tobin’s eyes.  
“Thanks,” grumbled Tobin. 

“Let me know when you feel a little better,” said Christen. Tobin nodded.  
***************************************************************  
TBI Loved Ones Support Group  
Doglover1723 had entered the chat

Bestbigbro757: It’s been pretty bad the past few days. He can hardly remember anything. And he keeps seizing. I think we’re going to have to go to the ER. 

Vethubby: Jesus, kid, that’s terrible. 

Doglover1723: I’m sorry to hear about that. I know your brother has been doing a lot better.

Group Admin: It’s never going to be a solid line of improvement. There’s going to be a lot of ups and downs. 

Doglover1723: Sorry to change subjects, but does anyone know how to help with migrains?

Bestbigbro757: Dark, quiet, try heating pad on neck. And give her her meds if she has any.

Doglover1723: Anything else? 

Group Admin: If heating pad doesn’t work, try cold instead. Massaging the neck and base of the skull can also help.

Doglover1723: Thanks.  
***************************************************************************  
Tobin tried to reorient herself. Her head hurt like a motherfucker. Her face felt tingly. She blinked awake. Christen was laying next to her, cradling her head to her chest. She was looking through something on her phone. 

“Are you feeling better?” said Christen. Tobin tilted her hand back and forth. Christen squeezed her arm. “You look a little better.” Christen traced her jaw. “Less gray.” Tobin nodded. Christen rubbed the base of Tobin’s neck. Tobin moaned. Christen giggled. “That feel good, baby?” Tobin nodded. 

“Thanks,” she grumbled. Christen kissed her ear and rubbed her arm. 

“We need to have Kelley and Alex over before they have to leave,” said Christen.

“Nuh-not today,” said Tobin. Christen chuckled.

“No. Not today. You need to rest,” said Christen. 

“Tuh-time?” Tobin rolled over. 

“It’s, like, nine,” said Christen. “Are you hungry?” Tobin shrugged. “Want applesauce?” Tobin shrugged and nodded. “I’ll be right back.” Christen walked out. Tobin rolled her sore neck and kneaded her fingers into the base of her own neck. She still felt tight and a little sick, but still managed to feel quite a bit. Just existing didn’t hurt any more. Tobin yawned and stretched as Christen came back in with a pouch of applesauce. She opened the lid and handed it to Tobin. 

Tobin drank some applesauce. Christen smiled and curled up next to Tobin. She pulled Tobin forward and wedged a pillow under her. She kissed Tobin’s nose.

“So…what do you wanna watch?” Tobin grinned. Before she could say anything, there was a knock and click on the door. Christen got up.

“What the…” She got up.

“Hey, losers!” yelled Kelley. Tobin winced and groaned. 

“Kelley, shut up,” said Alex. “Hey, guys. We have a present for you…”


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is a little choppy, but I wanted some fluff before I got to all the angst. Also there's smut.
> 
> Sorry it took so long to update. Work and school have been a bitch. It might be a while before I can update again.
> 
> Lemme know what you think

Tobin squeezed her head. She looked up at Kelley.

“Sorry,” she said. “I didn’t mean to be so loud.” Tobin shrugged and tried to cover her ears with her shoulders. Kelley looked at Alex guiltily. 

“Anyway,” said Alex. “You two need a break.” She looked at Kelley.

“Boom!” Kelley dropped two brochures on Tobin’s lap. Tobin squinted at them. Christen looked at it over Tobin’s shoulder.

“A spa? Shouldn’t you be saving that for after the wedding?” she said. Kelley shook her head.

“You guys need a treat. You need to relax,” said Alex. 

“This looks really expensive,” said Christen. 

“You’re welcome,” said Kelley. “You two really need to bond and relax. You’re stressed enough. You deserve this.” Christen shook her head.

“We can’t take this,” she said. 

“Well you are,” said Alex. “It’s a couple’s retreat. It’s not like we can use it.” Kelley’s face twitched.

“But what about—” started Christen.

“I called them can accommodate all of Tobin’s needs,” said Alex. She pulled a crumbled piece of paper from her back pocket. “I checked.” Christen snorted and shook her head.

“Oh my God…” she said. She looked down at Tobin. “What do you think?” Tobin shrugged and nodded. 

“Wuh-why not?” she said. Tobin forced a grin. Christen kissed her forehead. 

“Thank you,” said Christen. She reached over and gave them both a hug. Tobin rubbed her forehead. She leaned back and squeezed her hand over her eyes. Christen gently yanked her wrist away. 

“Alright,” said Alex. “We’ll let you rest now.” Alex squeezed Tobin’s shoulder. Tobin leaned back and rolled on her side. 

“Here, let me walk you out,” said Christen. Tobin pulled the blanket up over her head as they walked away. She pushed her nose into the pillow and breathed deeply through her headache. She heard hushed voices before the door shut quietly. There was a soft pad of feet. The bed dipped. 

“It was nice of them to do this,” she said. “But they shouldn’t have done it now. Your headaches back, isn’t it?” Tobin whined. Christen rubbed her shoulders and kneaded the base of her neck. “It will be nice though…to get away for the weekend.” Christen nipped Tobin’s ear. Tobin shivered. 

“Tah-talk later,” mumbled Tobin. She closed her eyes.

“Okay, okay,” said Christen. She kissed the top of Tobin’s head. “I love you.”

“Love you too…” mumbled Tobin.   
***************************************************************************  
Tobin laid on the bed as she watched Christen pack. Christen walked over and rubbed Tobin’s hip before pinching her ass. Tobin started and grinned.

“Hey!” she said. Christen smiled and walked back to her bags. Tobin pushed herself up. 

“So when we’re there, you need to tell me if something doesn’t feel right, okay?” said Christen. Tobin huffed and fell back. “I know you have had a seizure or a migraine in a little while, but if something doesn’t feel right…” Tobin nodded. 

“I nuh-know,” she said. Tobin looked at Christen with a gentle grin. “Don’t wuh-worry.” Christen pecked her on the forehead. “How much…st-stuff are you bringing?” 

“Enough,” said Christen. Tobin rolled her eyes.

“I don’t…need th-that much,” said Tobin. Christen shook her head. 

“It’s not just for you,” said Christen. Tobin sighed and looked at the clock.

“Luh-late?” said Tobin. Christen rolled her eyes. 

“Alright,” said Christen. She zipped one of the bags closed. “Chair or crutches?” Tobin shrugged. “Chair it is.” Christen folded her crutches and put them in her bag. Tobin reached over for her wheelchair, her hand not quite reaching it twice before she pulled it towards her. “Need help?”

“No.” Tobin pushed herself up into her chair, pulling on her shorts and shifting herself up. Christen walked over to the bed and pushed her forward, tucking a pillow under her lower back. “Could do it…myself.” Christen smiled. 

“I know,” she said. “But I love doing it.” Tobin grumbled. She reached out and grabbed one of duffle. Christen shouldered her backpack. “Let’s go.”   
**********************************************************************************  
Tobin flopped on the down comforter of the king size bed. She sighed. 

“Soft…” said Tobin. Christen chuckled and put her bags down. She jumped on the bed next to Tobin. Tobin popped up and rolled over, giving Christen a sloppy kiss. Christen reached over and grabbed the brochure. 

“What do you wanna do first?” said Christen. “Pool? Massage? Mani Pedi?” Tobin wrinkled her nose and rolled over. “We could watch bad pay-per-view porn.” Tobin wrinkled her nose. “Or eat…wow. Really expensive food.” Tobin shrugged and closed her eyes. Christen rolled up on her elbow and looked over at Tobin. “Or…we could do some other stuff.” She kissed Tobin’s shoulder and started kissing up her neck. Tobin shook her head and scooted over. “What’s wrong?” Tobin shook her head. 

“Nuh-thing,” said Tobin. 

“Don’t be like that,” said Christen. “Tell me what’s going on in your head.” Tobin took a deep breath. 

“Duh-don’t want to…embarrass in fruh-front of strangers…not doctors,” said Tobin. Her head still throbbed slightly.

“You don’t want people who aren’t doctors to touch you?” asked Christen. Tobin nodded. “Because you’re embarrassed of your body?” Tobin nodded haltingly.

“Don’t wanna…seizure…or pee…” said Tobin. Realization dawned on Christen’s face. “Don’t want…” Tobin sniffled. 

“God, I’m sorry. I understand. I know,” said Christen. “The people here…they know how to deal with your injury. They know to help you. No one is going to shame you.” Tobin rolled over.

“Should’ve brought…dog,” said Tobin. 

“You said you didn’t want to bring her,” said Christen. 

“Didn’t want…attention,” said Tobin. 

“You need to stop thinking like that. She’s supposed to be there to help you. You can’t be afraid of what people think.” Tobin nodded.

“Fuh-fine,” said Tobin. Christen glanced up from the paper. 

“We should do a couple’s massage on the beach,” said Christen. Tobin raised an eyebrow. “It’ll be romantic…” Tobin sighed and sat up.

“When?”   
**************************************************************************  
“Isn’t this nice, Tobin?” said Christen. Tobin grumbled as the masseuse dug into her lower back. 

“So are you guys have a girls’ night away from your husbands?” said Tobin’s masseuse. 

“We’re fiancées,” said Tobin. 

“Oh.” Christen and Tobin looked over and made eye contact. Christen snorted.

“This is a romantic couple’s retreat. What did you expect?” said Christen.

“Sorry,” said the woman. Christen shook her head slightly. Tobin closed her eyes. The sound of the ocean splashed in the background. She could smell the salt of the ocean. It felt good. Soothing. This was something she’d dreamed about. Doing something romantic with Christen. On the beach. They’re engaged. She should be happy. She was getting better. She had to be happy. She bit her lip and squeezed her eyes shut. She felt a hand put pressure over her hip. Tobin let out a yelp.

“Was that too much?” Tobin took a slow deep breath. 

“St-stop,” said Tobin. She heard Christen get up. 

“Baby?” she said. Tobin took a seep breath and sighed. 

“I’m fine,” said Tobin. “J-just and ache.” Christen nodded like she didn’t believe her. Tobin closed her eyes. Christen climbed back on the table. 

The massage didn’t leave her sore, like her massages during her recovery. Her limbs felt like jelly, but in a good way. 

When they finished up, Christen practically dragged Tobin back to the room to use the whirlpool tub. Tobin walked over as Christen set up the tub. Tobin sloppily pulled her hair into bun and walked into the bathroom. Christen smiled at her and walked over, swinging her hips. Tobin glanced from the full bubbly tub over to Christen. Christen smiled at her and ran her hands down Tobin’s arms and squeezed her hands where they gripped on her crutches. 

Christen stepped back and slipped her robe from her shoulders and down to the floor, revealing her toned, tan body. Tobin’s mouth watered. 

“Like what you see,” said Christen. Tobin nodded. Christen sauntered back over to the tub. Tobin walked over and yanked over her robes and dropped them in a heap. She stepped on them, tipping forward. Christen grabbed her,

“Woah. You okay?” she asked. Tobin nodded eagerly. She balanced against Christen and stepped into the tub. The two of them sat down next to each other. The jets blasted pressure against her sore hips. The whole bathroom smelled like fruity, sugary soaps. Tobin turned to face Christen and pulled her forward, kissing her. She pulled Christen on her lap, so Christen was straddling her. The weight of the water held the majority of Christen’s weight off of Tobin’s body. Tobin grinning and kissed Christen’s chest and neck. Christen ran her hands over Tobin’s breasts. Tobin tried not to get distracted and went lower until she got to Christen’s chest. She kissed at Christen’s chest and suckled and nip on her breast. Christen moved her knee where Tobin could rub against her. Tobin hand sloppily pushed against Christen’s hip. And in one final trust and crescendo, the two of them came.  
****************************************************************************  
They laid naked on the bed, wrapped in towels. Tobin wrapped her hand around Christen’s and squeezed it. 

“This…was fun,” said Tobin. “Nuh-no…um, trauma.” Christen laughed. 

“Yeah. No trauma. Definitely no trauma,” said Christen. “It’s been great. I’ve missed being close to you like this. I’ve missed…us. You scared me so much. I’m so glad you’re doing better.”

“Juh-just need to…find a new job. Then…everything perfect,” said Tobin. “Uh, at least…the closest we’re—we, we’re going to get.” 

“Just being with you is perfect,” said Christen. “I’m glad you can be happy again.” Christen ran a hand over Tobin’s cheek. “Ready for round two?” Christen straddled Tobin and let her towel fall. Christen moved her head down. There was a loud beep. 

“Wuh-wait,” said Tobin. Christen sat back. 

“Really?” she said. Tobin shrugged. 

“It’s, uh, NWSL news,” said Tobin. Christen grabbed Tobin’s phone. She handed it to Tobin and went back to kissing her chest. 

Tobin tried to ignore her and unlocked her phone. She stared at the article in shock. 

“Cuh-chris…” Christen stopped. Tobin turned her phone around. “Traded?”


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey here comes the angst train. Let me know what you think!!

“Drop it, Tobin,” said Christen. 

“Nuh-no,” said Tobin. Christen pulled the bags from the trunk. Tobin grabbed her crutches and followed her out of the car. “I-I…won’t luh-let this go…You don’t wanna…play in Hew-huh…with Dash.” Christen opened the door and pushed the chair with the duffle on it inside. 

“I know I don’t want to play for Houston. But they have my rights,” said Christen. Tobin followed her in and plopped down on the couch so she could focus on her argument.

“Uh-ask Mark…er, not Mark…” said Tobin. 

“I know you want me to try to get traded to the Thorns. I want to get traded to the Thorns but…it doesn’t look like that’s going to happen, Tobs.”

“You don’t wanna…go,” said Tobin. “Shuh-should try…not to go to tuh-team you don’t wanna.”

“Tobin…” Christen walked back to their room. Tobin yanked herself up and followed her. 

“Suh-soccer is..uh-um-import…imp—”

“You’re important to me!” Christen snapped. Tobin’s forehead creased.

“I wuh-want you to…be happy,” said Tobin. “Duh-don’t ever wanna hold you back.”

“Look. It’s fine, Tobs. We don’t need to worry about it, okay?” Christen rubbed her face. “I’m going to call Kelley to drop off the dogs and then I’m going to go for a run.” Tobin opened her mouth. Christen walked into the bathroom and shut the door behind her. Tobin stared at it, hurt welling in her chest. She walked back to their room and fell in the bed, curling up around a pillow. She sniffled. 

Tobin laid there until Christen left the bathroom. She opened the front door. She could hear dogs scurrying. Orange ran up to her and started sniffing her face. Tobin ran her hand over the fur and breathed out heavily. The front door swung closed. 

“Hey, Tobin.” Tobin smooshed her face farther into the pillow. 

Alex sat down at the end of the bed and rubbed Tobin’s back. 

“Tobin, talk to me. What happened?” said Alex. 

“Chris guh-got truh-truh-traded to Hou-who-the Duh-ash,” said Tobin. Alex nodded. “She duh-doesn’ wanna pla-play for them.” Tobin’s head ached. 

“Okay. There’s still time for her to get traded again, Tobin,” said Alex. Tobin grabbed a pillow and pulled it over her head. Orange sniffled at her and whined. “There’s no reason to work yourself up.” Tobin sniffled and squeezed the pillow. 

“She shuh-she should gug-go to play…play with Swuh-Sweden,” said Tobin. 

“Whoa,” said Alex. She touched Tobin’s shoulder and turned her over. “Where is this coming from?” Tobin opened and closed her mouth. She let out a scream and threw the pillow across the room, knocking over picture frames. Tobin held her head. Orange whined again and put her head on Tobin’s thigh. 

“Fuck!” yelled Tobin. Alex nodded, looking unimpressed. 

“I think you need a nap,” said Alex evenly. Tobin looked up at her, tears in her eyes. 

“Wuh-wuh-wuh-why am uh-I like-like thu-this?” said Tobin. Alex bit her lip and shook her head. 

“C’mon. You’re wound up. You need a nap,” said Alex. Tobin didn’t have the strength to argue. She laid back onto bed. Alex pulled the blanket over her and leaned over and massaged her forehead.  
********************************************************************

The phone rang not even twice before Stacy picked up.

“Mom?”

“Christen, baby, what’s the matter?” Christen let out a sob. 

“I got traded, and Tobin’s upset that I’m on a team I don’t want to be on. She’s more upset than I am. I think she’s afraid I’m going to leave her. I’d never do that. Mom, she’s so fragile. She gets upset so easily. And I just…it’s so hard…” 

“Do you want me to call Jeff and Cindy? Do you want me to come over and help out?” 

“Tobin wouldn’t want anyone to see her like this…God, Mom, sometimes she’s herself, she’s just Tobin with a stutter but sometimes…sometimes I don’t know who she is, and it scares me…” Christen sniffled. “I’m sorry I—” 

“Don’t you are apologize,” said Stacy. “I know how hard this has been on you. And I know that you’re respecting Tobin’s wishes, but I think you need some help.”

“Alex and Kelley have been helping,” said Christen.

“Alex and Kelley aren’t your parents.” There was a beat of silence.

“She’s in so much pain,” said Christen. Christen rubbed her face. 

“Have you considered trying to get a second opinion?” 

“I don’t know. We already switched once.”

“That’s because that other doctor was incompetent.”

“I don’t know. I trust out current doctor. I’ve done some research and honestly…I don’t think there’s much anyone can do. I think we just need to have her do more intensive therapy and just give her some time to heal.” Christen sighed. “And she needs to stop stressing herself out. It’s not good for her.” 

“Are you sure you don’t want anyone to come down and help out?”

“Tobin’s a little fragile now. I think that might made things worse.”

“Who’s with her?”

“Alex. She told me Tobin had an outburst, and she put her to bed.” 

“Did anything bad happen at the spa?”

“Other than learning about the trade, no. It was great. We actually connected as a couple like we hadn’t since her injury. It was good until she got upset about the trade. And I’m not even that upset about the trade. I just want Tobin to feel better.” Christen choked out a sob. Stacy shushed her. 

“Hey, baby, she’s tough. It will work out,” said Cindy. Christen sniffled. “Are you sure that you don’t want me to come up? Or that you don’t want to come down? After you talk with Tobin, I mean. You know I love Tobin, but I think you need a break.” Christen wiped her eyes and laughed humorlessly.

“Probably,” said Christen. “I miss you and daddy. I think I might come and visit. Maybe with Tobin. Maybe alone…” 

“Okay. Let me know how things go,” said Stacy. 

“I love you, Mommy.”

“Love you, baby.” Christen hung up the phone and closed her eyes, pressing her forehead against the steering wheel of the car. She looked out the window and stared at the park and watched the children play.


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know it's been a little while, but I'm back. In honor of the USWNT winning 6-0 to Mexico, I'll have another chapter up by early next week. I hope y'all like it!!

Tobin wanted to slam her head against the wall.

“Can you try again?” asked her speech therapist, whose name she could never remember. Tobin squeezed her eyes shut. Her head throbbed. 

“Duh-don’t want…” said Tobin. She put her head against the table. They’d been at it for a half hour. The longer they went, the worse Tobin’s stutter got and the more words she forgot. “All duh-duh—” Tobin hit the table. “Fuck!” The therapist nodded. 

“Okay,” she said. “Let’s take a little break.” She patted Tobin’s knee and got up. She was probably going to tell Christen about how worked up she’d gotten. And Christen would be super kind and gentle, and Tobin would feel guilty about not being able to do what the therapists asked her to. And about what had happened yesterday and about everything in general. 

Soft footsteps approached her. Two hands kneaded her shoulders. 

“Hey there…” said Christen. Tobin grunted. “You doing okay, baby?” Tobin shook her head. Her tongue felt heavy and her brain felt like it was full of cotton. But of course, that meant she couldn’t tell Christen that. Because it would make her feel guilty and also because she physical couldn’t.

Christen kissed her on the cheek. 

“I’m sorry. I know it’s hard. I’m so proud of you. You’re doing so well,” she said. Tobin sniffled and shivered as Christen rubbed a knot in Tobin’s shoulder. 

“Th-thanks,” said Tobin. Christen pressed into the base of her neck. Tobin moaned. 

“Do you need your meds?” said Christen. Tobin shook her head and leaned back. She patted the back of Christen’s hand and tried not to wince at the lights.

“I’m…k…” said Tobin. Christen shook her head and rubbed Tobin’s cheek. 

“I love you,” she said quietly. Tobin gave her a goofy grin. Christen shook her head. “I’m so proud of you.” Tobin puckered her lips. Christen leaned down and kissed her. 

“I’ll see you when you get done, okay?” she said. Tobin nodded. Christen walked out. Tobin rubbed her eyes, waiting for her therapist to come back. She just need to get for another half hour. She could do this. It wasn’t that hard. It would have been really easy less than a year ago.

The therapist came back. 

“Are you ready for flash cards?” she asked.   
********************************************************************************  
Tobin pushed her thick glasses back up her nose. She blinked rapidly, trying to distinguish the letters in front of her. Her headache started forming again behind her eye. She closed her eyes and leaned her head back. 

“What are you reading?” asked Christen. She put dinner on the table in front of her. Tobin closed her iPad and rubbed her face under her glasses. 

“Reading up…on…um, on…” Tobin squeezed her eyes shut. “Cuh-coaching.” Christen smiled. 

“I’m glad,” she said. Christen sat down on Tobin’s right and started eating her own food. Tobin clumsily grabbed the fork and started eating. “You know that there’s plenty of coaching jobs lined up if you want them. Some free clinics for underprivileged kids or some highly competitive ones for like middle schoolers or high schoolers. If you take a couple classes you could do college or U20…” Tobin nodded, pushing her food around. 

“Feel like I-I’m not…well enough. Puh-people can’t under-under…st-stand me,” said Tobin. Christen nodded. 

“I understand,” said Christen. “I know it’s rough…You just need to keep working at it. Physically, you have some pretty good days, you’d probably be able to do it.” Tobin nodded. “I think it’s really good that you’re looking for jobs. I think it’ll help you feel a lot better.” Tobin nodded again. Her hand shook, and she dropped her fork.

“Fuck!” she snapped. Christen picked up the fork and threw it into the sink. Christen scooped up some food on her fork and offered it to her. Tobin closed her eyes and squeezed the edge of the table. She opened her eyes and gave Christen a weak smile. She took the bite. 

“We have an appointment with Dr. Reese tomorrow,” said Christen. Tobin made a noise of acknowledgement. “I think we should talk with her about adjusting your meds. You’ve been having more and more seizures, and I know you’ve been having a lot of pain.” Tobin nodded slightly. “Do you have any thoughts?” Tobin shrugged. 

“What…if nuh-new meds…make…worse?” said Tobin. 

“What if they make you better?” said Christen. Tobin shrugged and nodded. 

“We don’t have to if you don’t want to, but I want you to think about it. Please?” said Christen. Tobin nodded. “I know that you really haven’t been feeling good. The first few weeks you seemed to be doing really well, but ever since then, things have been going downhill.” Tobin shrugged.

“Feel stress…” said Tobin. Christen nodded. Christen reached out and squeezed her hand. “Duh-don’t wanna…go to hop…hosp…” 

“I know,” said Christen. “I know you don’t want to go back to the hospital, but if it’ll help you get better…” Tobin bit her lip.

“Done, um, eating,” said Tobin. Christen smiled. 

“Wow. You almost finished your plate,” said Christen. “Maybe Reese will switch you to once a day for your protein shake.” Tobin smiled and nodded. Christen went and grabbed Tobin’s shake and dropped a straw into it. Tobin moved into her chair and balanced the drink on her legs as she rolled into her room.  
****************************************************************************  
“You know Christen is going to kill us when she finds out about this,” said Kelley. Tobin rolled her eyes. Kelley lit the blunt and held it up to Tobin’s mouth. Tobin inhaled a puff and relaxed. 

“Is okay…doesn’t muh-matter. Doc said…I could…legal here,” muttered Tobin. Kelley took a puff and held it out to Tobin. She took it from Kelley with shaky fingers. 

The two of them had locked themselves in Kelley’s car and started smoking. Tobin felt the tension and pain leave her muscles. She rubbed her forehead. 

“I’m…muh-making things…so hard on…on Chris…” said Tobin. “She…shu…needs to…move on.” Kelley shook her head. 

“Tobin, no…”

“Yes,” said Tobin. She sat up. “’M dead weight…She deserves buh-better. She needs to play with guh-good…good team…good team.” Tobin sighed. She rolled her neck over. “I muh-miss soccer. Don’t wanna…coach. Can’t fuckin’…talk…just wanna…I don’t know…nothin’ I wanna do…” Kelley reached over and squeezed her arm. 

“I’m so sorry, Tobin,” said Kelley. Tobin shrugged and took another drag. 

“Whatever…” she said. “Not like…not like there’s an-anything…I can do ‘bout it.” 

“I’m sorry you got dealt such a shitty hand. You don’t deserve this,” said Kelley. Tobin shrugged again.

“No one…does,” she said. Tobin flicked some ashes off the end of the cigarette and sighed. 

“I love you,” said Kelley. Tobin looked over and furrowed her eyebrows. “Not like that.” She bumped Tobin’s shoulder. “Weirdo.” Tobin took another drag and shook her head. “I mean like, both you and Christen keep acting like you guys have to do this alone. Without each other and without us. And…that’s not true. This isn’t some penance. This is your recovery. This is about you getting better.” Kelley reached over and grabbed her hand. “We’ll help you, you know. All of us. We want to help you. If you don’t want to coach, we’ll figure out something else. You’ll be able to do something that you love. We can figure it out together.” Tobin stared out the window and handed the blunt back to Kelley.

“But…it’s not…l-like that. I huh-have to deal…with this alone. You’ll neh-neh-neh…won’t under…stand,” said Tobin. “I am alone.” Kelley blinked. 

“Tobin…”

“Home,” she said. Kelley sighed and unlocked the doors.


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Another chapter...shit's about to get serious...

Tobin always felt like a little kid, sitting on the exam table in the neurologist office. Christen rubbed her knee and gave it a small squeeze. 

“You doing okay there?” asked Christen. Tobin nodded. Christen was pleased that Tobin had gained a little weight for the first time since her injury. Her BP was a little high, which caused her head to ache and her vision to blur slightly. But that wasn’t unusual. She was fine. She was getting better. 

The door opened up. Dr. Reese walked in. 

“Hello, ladies. How are you doing?” she said. Tobin shrugged. 

“It’s been complicated,” said Christen. Tobin stared at the ground as the doctor washed her hands and opened up the chart on the computer. “Her gait and walking has been way better. Her stutter is getting worse. Her seizures have been getting more frequent. Especially because of stress. And the pain…” Dr. Reese’s eyes skimmed the chart. She turned the computer monitor around.

“So…good news. Your MRI looks good,” she said. “You’re BP is a little high, which isn’t great…” She got up and walked over to the exam table. “Look at me please, Tobin.” Tobin glanced up. Dr. Reese shined a light in her eye. She clicked it off. “Follow the pen with your eyes.” Tobin tried to track the pen. “Good…” Reese felt down her neck. “Smile, please.” Tobin smiled. “Good. No more drooping.” Tobin nodded. “I know it may not feel like it, but you are doing better.” Tobin shrugged. “Where does it hurt?” Tobin tapped her temple behind her left eye.

“Get my-migraines,” said Tobin. Dr. Reese nodded. 

“Okay,” said Reese. “Hold your hands out in front of you and close your eyes.” Tobin obeyed. Her body felt heavy and sleepy, and she let her mind drift.

“Tobin.” She opened her eyes and blinked. She was on her back, and Reese was pushing on her leg. “Did you just have an absent seizure?” Tobin nodded. “We are definitely going to change your meds…” Christen walked over to the head of the table and smoothed Tobin’s hair back. 

“Are you okay, baby?” she asked. Tobin nodded. Christen bent down and kissed her forehead and helped Tobin sit up.

“You’re getting stronger. Your right side is much more coordinated than before,” said Dr. Reese. Tobin rolled her neck and it cracked. 

“That’s good,” said Christen. Christen smiled at her and rubbed her arm. Tobin nodded. Dr. Reese looked back down at the chart. 

“Okay so…” Tobin rubbed her nose and zoned out.

“Hey.” Christen nudged her. Tobin blinked. “Did you have another seizure?” Tobin shook her head.

“Zuh…owned out…” said Tobin. Dr. Reese looked at her knowingly. 

“Christen is going to get your new meds, okay?” she said. Tobin nodded. She watched Christen walk out the door. 

“Is there anything you want to tell me with Christen gone?” asked Dr. Reese. Tobin shrugged. Dr. Reese stared at her for a moment. 

“Hard…” said Tobin. “S-sometimes…I feel fine…um, like old self…just like flu…other times…everything hurts…” Dr. Reese nodded. 

“My main goal as your neurologist right now is to get you to a place where you feel like you’re able to function,” she said. “Honestly, all I can really do is to try to get your meds to a place where your pain is manageable and you aren’t seizing. I can recommend other doctors and professionals to help you.” Tobin nodded. “If you’re frustration feels like it’s interfering with your life, I can refer you to a neuro-psychologist.” Tobin shrugged and nodded. “I can give Christen a referral, and if you decide you want to go.” 

“Okay.” Dr. Reese smiled at her. 

“Alright…we’re going to get you better,” said Dr. Reese. Tobin nodded. 

Christen walked back in with a baggie. 

“Everything good?” Tobin nodded and looked over to Dr. Reese. 

Tobin was quiet on the ride home. Christen rubbed her knee.

“You okay, baby?” Tobin shrugged. 

“I love you,” said Tobin softly. Christen squeezed her knee. 

“I love you too,” said Christen. They pulled up to light. Christen leaned over and kissed Tobin’s cheek. Tobin smiled weakly. 

They drove back to the house. Tobin limped in and fell into bed. Christen followed her in. 

 

“Do you want to nap together?” asked Christen. Tobin shrugged and rubbed her face. She walked back into their room. “Okay. I’ll wake you up when it’s time for your meds again.” Tobin nodded. She crashed onto her bed and closed her eyes. She heard Christen walked away and sniffled. She heard the footsteps stop and silently begged that Christen would keep walking. The footsteps continued on. Tobin pushed her face into the pillow and cried quietly.   
*********************************************************************************  
When Tobin woke up, she felt a pair of arms around her. She felt a wet patch on her shoulder. 

“I’m so sorry, Tobin,” said Christen. Christen gently ran her hand down Tobin’s torso. “I miss playing with you. I miss when you could run after me. Why does your head always hurt…?” Christen sighed. “Why are you so stubborn and selfless. I don’t need to play soccer to be happy. God, sometimes I wish I didn’t. I know how much you love it. You’d be so pissed if I’d quit but at least you wouldn’t be stuck forced to watch someone you love do something you love without you…”

Tobin wanted her to stop talking. She didn’t want to here this. Tobin shifted. 

“Shh…” said Christen. “Relax…” Tobin rolled her head and slowly pretended waking up. 

“Hi there,” said Christen. 

“Time?” asked Tobin. Christen looked at the clock

“Twoish,” said Christen. “I was going to wake you up in a half hour for your meds.” Tobin nodded. “My mom has been wanting to see us.” Tobin nodded. One of Christen’s arms snaked away from Tobin and Christen rubbed her face. “My parents were thinking of coming up.” Tobin squirmed. 

“You c-can…go down and…visit them…” said Tobin. 

“They wanna see you too,” Christen said. Tobin shook her head. “Why not?”

“Don’t wanna,” she said.

“Dr. Reese gave me a referral for someone you could talk to,” said Christen. Tobin shook her head again.

“Just wanna…sleep,” said Tobin. Christen sighed. 

“Okay. I’ll get your meds,” said Christen.


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here comes the drama...lemme know what you think

Tobin pushed her glasses up her nose and looked at the door. She dragged herself up and sat at Christen’s desk. She logged into Christen’s computer and looked back over her shoulder. She opened up her email and looked through her soccer contacts until…Kopparbergs/Göteborg FC contact. Tobin sighed and cracked her knuckles.

Writing the email made her brain feel like it was put through a strainer. Trying to make sense, trying to sound like Christen…She looked over at a framed picture of her and Christen kissing. She reached over and out it faced down. 

“Tobin? Are you awake?” Tobin hit send and threw herself onto the bed, wincing in pain. She pulled the blanket over her shoulder. 

Christen pushed open the door. 

“Hey, baby. Are you feeling better?” she asked. Tobin grunted and shrugged. Christen sat down at the edge of her bed and rubbed her back. Tobin nodded and sat up, stretching. “The meds are helping?”

“Sleepy…” said Tobin. Christen smiled. 

“So, I was talking with Kelley. We were thinking you could do some training with some kids,” said Christen. Tobin shook her head. “Tobin, you can’t just sit here and mope.” Tobin shrugged. 

“I c-can’t talk…don’t wanna…” said Tobin. Christen sighed. 

“Kelley told me that you really don’t like the idea of coaching…” said Christen. Tobin’s head shot up. “And that’s fine, but we need to get you out of the house…” Tobin shook her head. 

“No, I…I just…” Tobin shook her head and rubbed her face. “Every…thing is hard…I j-just don’t…know wuh-t I want to…do.” Christen nodded and leaned forward, tucking Tobin’s hair back behind her ear. 

“I know. We can figure it out together, okay?” said Christen. The softness in Christen’s voice made Tobin’s hear swell. Tobin leaned her head down on Christen’s shoulder. Christen rubbed a small circle on her back. “I’m still making you coach the clinic with Kelley.” Tobin whined. “But…what about a date night tonight?” Tobin nodded. 

“I duh-don’t wanna…go out,” said Tobin. 

“We can order in.” Christen ran her finger through Tobin’s hair, over the small puckered scar where the drain has been. “Chinese?” Tobin nodded and shivered at the touch. Christen moved her hand and kissed the scar. “You pick the movie.” Christen got up and walked to the kitchen. Tobin fell back and sighed. She reached over and grabbed the remote to turn on the TV. She shoved a pillow under her back and scroll through the TV.  
*******************************************************************************  
Tobin’s hand felt surprisingly steady as she shoved the rice into her mouth. They were holding hands across the table. 

“And so…” Christen snorted. “She was, like, no way, and Alex, she, um, she ran back all the way to the bus…” Tobin smiled stiffly. Christen wiped her eyes. “Sorry. I know it’s not funny. I just….” Christen shook her head. Tobin snorted. 

“Yeah.” They ate in silence for a minute. 

“You should work on your art again.” Tobin froze. 

“Wha’?” asked Tobin. Christen ate another bite. 

“I haven’t seen you work on your art since the accident,” said Christen. Tobin lifted up her slightly shaking hand and stared at Christen. “I know. But if you practice, it might help with your fine motor skills.” Tobin made a fist and shook her head. 

“Can’t…” said Tobin. Christen nodded. She leaned forward and grabbed Tobin’s hand with both of hers.

“Okay. I’m sorry.” Tobin nodded and put her fork down. 

“Duh-done,” said Tobin. Christen nodded. Tobin pulled herself to her feet and walked over to the couch. Christen put the dishes in the sink. Christen came over and sat down next to Tobin. She threw a blanket over the two of them and pulled Tobin up so Tobin’s back was flushed to her chest. Christen nibbled on Tobin’s ear. She shuddered. 

“What movie?” asked Christen. Tobin reached over and grabbed the remote. 

Tobin dozed lightly through the shitty romcom. Christen ran her fingers through her hair and rubbed up and down her belly. Her head felt strangely heavy. With Christen’s hand through her hair though, she didn’t mind. 

“I can’t believe you picked this,” said Christen lightly. Tobin shrugged. 

“Juu-just…wanted to…relax,” said Tobin. Christen chuckled. 

“I can think of a good way to relax…” Christen’s hand tickled lower on her belly and crawled lower, playing with the waistband of Tobin’s sweats. Tobin shivered as heat pooled into her legs. Christen’s hand crawled lower and lower, pulling the band over her underwear down and smiling. Tobin groaned and squeezed her eyes shut. “You like that, baby?

Did she? She just sent Christen away. She was trying distance herself from Christen. And she was tired and felt weird and...

Tobin grabbed her wrist. Christen stopped.

“Tobin?” she asked. “Do you want me to stop?” Tobin nodded. Christen pulled her hand out and laid her arm across her belly. “I’m sorry, babe.” Tobin nodded,

“It’s…’k,” said Tobin. Christen kissed her cheek. Tobin couldn’t resist rolling onto her stomach and burying her face in Christen’s chest.

“Are you feeling okay?” said Christen. Tobin shrugged. 

“Not…hurt…but sore…head feels…fuh-funny,” mumbled Tobin. 

“Better or worse than normal?”

“Bet-better,” said Tobin. 

“So you feel like the meds are working better?” Tobin shrugged. “Okay.” Tobin snaked her arms around Christen’s neck. “We can talk about something else.”

“Or nuh-thin’,” said Tobin. Christen smirked and shook her head.

“Alright. I’ll shut up,” said Christen. Tobin snorted. 

And they were comfortable together, laying on the couch. Tobin could pretend it was alright. She ached slightly, but it wasn’t too bad. She felt loved. She felt good, kind of. Just like she wanted to. 

The phone rang. Christen fished into her pocket.

“What the…” Christen mumbled. She picked up the phone. “Hello?” Christen paused. “Wait, wait, wait…what do you mean you have a spot open and are willing to sign me?” Tobin squeezed her eyes shut. Shit. “I didn’t…what email?” Christen pulled her phone from her ear and looked through her emails. “What?” Christen looked down at Tobin. “Tobin…what did you do?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Edit: I'm just including this later because I forgot to include it in the beginning. I've been watching Chicago Med (the shitty medical drama) and as much as I love how ridiculous and inaccurate it is, it's been pissing me off. Like every other episode is about how someone is severely disabled and either they or their family members think it'd be better if they die...and the show acts this this line of thinking is okay. It isn't. There are disabled people who live happy lives. That's what this story is about (eventually). This story contains a lot of drama because I want to keep it exciting, but at the end of the day, Tobin will be happy. Because we need more media to tell abled and neurotypical people that it's okay to be diasbled and it's okay to be """broken"""". People are always worth something.


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know this is super short, sorry. I've been busy. I was at a con this past weekend, I have my classes, a couple essays coming up, my best friend has been coming to terms with his sexual assault, and my other best friend has had her anxiety acting up terribly. So I have my plate full. 
> 
> But thanks for all the feedback. The next chapter should be longer.

“No,” said Christen. “You did not.” She sighed and rubbed her forehead, pacing around the living room. “You did not call my old job, in a different country and tell them I wanted it back.”

“Email,” Tobin mumbled. Christen snapped around.

“This isn’t funny, Tobin,” said Christen. She ran her hand through her hair. “There are no many thing   
wrong with this, Tobin. I don’t think you understand—”

“Wuh-wanted….you too—”

“So you went behind my back and did something that I told you I didn’t want?” snapped Christen.

“Soccer is…imp—”

“You’re important! I can’t fucking believe you, Tobin…This is my job! This is my life! I get to make the decisions! How fucking, how fucking dare you!” Christen was screaming. “I’ve tried so hard to be patient. You have no idea. I was so happy that you didn’t die! I’m so happy that I still have you here, even if you’re struggling, but, God, you won’t even try for me. You won’t even try to help yourself do better, to do another thing you love. Do you even love me? Would you rather be dead now that you can’t play? Am I not enough for you?”

“Chris—”

“No, just no…” Christen leaned against the wall. She takes a shaky breath. “I just…I can’t do this anymore. I can’t!” Tears run down her face. 

“Chris…” Tobin opened her mouth. There was so much she wanted to say. So much that she should say. That she was sorry; that she had good intentions… “I-I-I…” She made an odd noise in the base of her throat. Christen shook her head.

“I’m calling Kelley and Alex…I need space…” Ice shot through Tobin. This is what she wanted, isn’t it? She wanted Christen to leave her, right? 

Christen walked out and shut her door behind her. Tobin looked around. She didn’t know what to do now. She rubbed her face and rocked back and forth a little. God, why had she done this? She loves Christen. But Christen deserves better than her. But she wants to be with her. But she wants the best for her. But. But. But…

“Tobin, what did you do?” demanded Kelley. Tobin looked at the clock. She had lost half an hour. 

“Ah…”

“No,” said Kelley. She scrubbed her face. “Tobin, what the fuck? She was trying to be a good person. She loves you…You have such a good thing. I know that things are hard and that…you know what? I don’t know what I know. Tobin, why did you do this?” Tobin opened and closed her mouth before bursting into tears. Kelley sighed and pulled Tobin to her chest. 

“I-I I don’t…uh, thinkin’ and I…” Tobin sobbed. Kelley shook her head and rubbed Tobin’s back. “I ju-st wah-han her to buh-buh…happy…I-I cuh-can’t do that…” 

“Oh, Tobin. Hey, shh…” said Kelley. Tobin shook her head. “You’re going to give yourself a seizure. Calm down.” Tobin rubbed her face roughly. She sniffled and felt her throat close. Her head felt weirdly heavy. 

“Kuh-Kell…Kelley…I can’-can’t—” Tobin gasped. “Breathe.” She sniffled loudly. The walls were closing in on her. Kelley pulled Tobin onto her lap and started rubbing circles onto her back.

“Breathe,” said Kelley. “Hey, you’re okay, Tobin.”

“No ‘m not…” sobbed Tobin. Kelley shushed her again. 

“Hey, we’ll figure this out, Tobin,” said Kelley. Tobin sniffled almost violently. She felt like she couldn’t breathe. 

“I-I-I…” said Tobin. She let out a low whine. 

“Okay…okay,” said Kelley. “I got you…we’ll fix this.” Tobin shook her head. “C’mon. Look, we’ll call your parents. Let’s give Christen some space…We’ll figure it out.” Tobin whined into Kelley’s shoulder. 

“Can’t…breath,” said Tobin. She scratched at Kelley’s back. 

“Tobin, hey, hey, hey,” said Kelley. She tapped Tobin’s shoulder. “In for four, hold for seven, out for eight…” Tobin whined. “C’mon. One, two, three, four… One, two, three, four, five, six, seven…good… One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight…” Tobin’s chest rose and fell almost in time with the counts. Kelley continued. 

“There we go,” said Kelley. “Good…better…”

“I’m such-scared,” mumbled Tobin. Kelley nodded.

“I know, I know. We’ll do this together, okay? All of us, Tobin…” Tobin pushed her face into Kelley’s shoulder shuddered as she felt static enter her brain…


	11. Chapter 11

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> From the voicemail of Christen Press

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know this is a weird chapter, but it felt like the right way to do this. If you hate it, I'm probably not doing anything like this again. It just felt right to write it this way. I know it's short. I will have another, hopefully much longer, chapter up before Thanksgiving (so next Thursday or Wednesday for those of you who aren't American). But please let me know what you think! Thanks!

 

“Hey, it’s Christen Press. Leave a message at the tone.” _Beep._

 

“Hey Chris. It’s Alex. I know you’re super worried about Tobin, but she’s doing fine.

 

“You know you do need this break, right? Spend some time with your family. We called Tobin’s parents too. They should be here in…like, maybe a few hours. It’ll be good for her. It’ll be good for both of you to have some space. Seriously. Don’t just nod and act like it’s all, sure whatever. Because I know you’re hurting. And I think it’s best for you to just calm down…okay?

 

“Call me back soon. Okay?”

****************************************************************************

“Hey, Christen. It’s Kell. I know you’re worried about Tobin, but she’s doing fine. We’re trying to get her to go see a therapist. Reese thinks it will do good to her, and so do the Heaths.

 

“Her parents have been really happy to see her. Perry came down too. Um…” Kelley sighed.

 

“She’s been trying a little bit. We’ve been talking about what she wants to do…We’ve been thinking about maybe her being an advocate for concussion awareness. She’s not so sure, but it’s something.  We’re trying.

 

“Tobin, will be fine. Quit worrying. Just go play. Have fun. We’ll be waiting for you to get back.”

****************************************************************************

“Hey. It’s Alex again. Did you see the video of Tobin at therapy? You never responded.

 

“Oh, um, congrats on your last game. You’re playing really well. Might even be a better forward than me now.

 

“Tobin misses you a lot, but she’s doing better. I know she wants to talk to you, but she’s scared to. She’s afraid that you’re mad at her. She understand what she did was wrong, but you know her brain…isn’t all there. We finally got her to go and see a therapist. Er, he neuro-psychiatrist or whatever. Tobin gets…a little frustrated, but we think she’s going down the right path.

 

“Good luck on your next game. We’ll be watching. Kick some ass, girl.”

********************************************************************************

“Hey, again. It’s me. It’s Alex. Sorry it’s been a while…Tobin is fine. Things are fine here.

 

“You’re doing really well. Maybe it is a good idea for you to stay over there. The coaches play you way more than Rory ever did…” There was muffled yelling in the background.

 

“Tobin,” said Alex, her voice muffled with her hand over the receiver. “I’m talking to Christen.” Tobin let out a loud noise. Alex sighed.

 

“Sorry, just…you know what? Nothing. If you have a chance, call me back, okay? We love you.”

************************************************************************************

“I’m so sorry, Christen. Alex told me lie. Things are not okay. Tobin’s been…Tobin’s been getting worse. She hasn’t been eating. She’s been sluggish. It’s really hard for her to talk. We took her to Dr. Reese and she, um…. She’s fine. Just call me back, okay? You don’t need to rush back. I know you’re going to fly in soon. We can take care of it until then. Just…call me back.”

**********************************************************************************

“Hey. It’s Tobin. You know what to do.”

 

_BEEP_

 

Christen sighed. “What am I going to do with you, my love?”


	12. Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This will probably be my last chapter for a couple weeks. Lemme know what you guys think!!

Tobin’s head felt really full. Like it was full of bees and cotton. There was a dull bussing. Her vision kept blurring even when she wore her glasses. Her mouth felt dry. Her jaw ached. Alex ran her hand through Tobin’s hair, trying to soothe her aching mind. The lights were off completely. It was cold. Tobin could feel her mind nearly breaking. Alex shushed her.

“It’s okay,” she said. “You’re fuh—” Tobin’s body tightened and her head snapped back. Her jaw clenched and her body shook. “Shit.” Alex reached over and pressed the call button. He leaned over Tobin in the hospital bed and rolled her on her side. 

“Shh…you’re okay Tobin,” she said. She ran her finger over Tobin’s temple. “Easy…” Slowly Tobin’s body started relaxing again. 

Dr. Reese walked in with a tablet. She sighed. 

“Another seizure?” she asked. Alex nodded. “We found out what the problem is. She hasn’t been taking her meds.” Alex looked at her. 

“What do you mean? I’ve been giving her her meds,” said Alex. Dr. Reese shrugged.

“Then she’d not been taking them,” said Reese. They both looked at Tobin. She blinked slowly. 

“Muh-make feel fuzz…” said Tobin. Dr. Reese sighed.

“Okay. We can switch your meds again,” she said. “But you cannot stop taking your meds again. The seizures damage parts of your brain. That’s why you’re having a hard time breathing.” Tobin blinked slowly and nodded. Dr. Reese turned to Kelley. “We’re going to do an MRI. I’m thinking we might need to put her to sleep…” The fuzz in Tobin’s brain drowned out the noise. She sniffled. Her limbs felt heavy.

“Christen…” Tobin’s ears perked up. 

“Cruh-chrisssss…” she slurred. Kelley rubbed Tobin’s jaw. The door opened. Tobin tried to start forward.

“It’s just me,” said Alex. Tobin fell back.

“The anesthesiologist will be in in a few minutes,” said Dr. Reese. Tobin heard them walk out. She felt someone pull on her IV and inject something in. Someone rubbed her arm. Tobin whined. 

“Some anti-seizure meds.” Tobin whined again. Alex rubbed her head. 

“Relax…” Tobin’s breathing hiccupped. Kelley rubbed Tobin’s back. A nurse tucked and oxygen mask around her face. The nurse said something to the other two. Tobin’s fuzzy brain couldn’t comprehend what was going on. She could hear Alex humming. She reached out and touched her wrist. 

“Hmm…?” said Alex. Tobin opened and closed her dry mouth. “What do you need?” 

“Chris…” said Tobin. Alex smiled sadly. “I know. She’s coming…” Tobin smiled. Alex kissed her forehead.

One of the nurse grabbed her arm to take vitals. Tobin jerked away. 

“Hey.

“Shh…”

“You’re okay.”

“It’s okay.”

But it wasn’t okay. Everything hurt. The world was blurry. Air felt thick. Even through the O2 mask, it felt bad. She just felt bad. And she missed soccer. And she missed not having seizures. She missed not having to take meds that make her head feel like it’s full of cotton. And mostly, she just wanted Christen. She wanted not to feel like a burden to Christen. Or to herself. 

“Should we call her parents back…?” Tobin whined, and Kelley or Alex shushed her. Her brain stopped connecting the voice and the person. One of them squeezed her hand. 

“Easy…” Tobin shook her head. One of them sighed and rubbed the side of her face, and another hand was on her leg.

“Don’t fight the nurse, Tobin…” Tobin pulled her arm away from a hand on her wrist. 

“Hey.” Two hands grabbed at her arm. She let out a long cry. 

“Shh…”

Tobin cracked her eyes at the familiar voice. Christen leaned over her and smiled. “Hey, you…” Christen put a hand on Tobin’s forehead. 

“Chris…” mumbled Tobin. 

“Yeah. It’s me. Relax,” she said softly.

“Wuh-wan-wuh-wanna talk…” said Tobin. Christen shook her head.

“Later, baby,” said Christen. “You’re okay. Just doze…” Tobin blinked slowly. 

“No…” said Tobin. “I wuh-wanna…” Tobin felt the right side of her body tense up. 

“Woah.” Christen grabbed her shoulder. “Hey. It’s okay. Shh…It’s just a small seizure. Deep breath.” Christen eased her Tobin back and pushed her hair from her face. She shushed her. 

Eventually the bad feeling left, Tobin sunk back onto the bed. She reached out and clutched Christen’s hand. Christen kissed the back of it.

“I’m so sorry I left,” said Christen. She blinked hard and sniffled. “I never should have left you. No one knows you like I do. They couldn’t tell you weren’t feeling well. I’m sorry I didn’t have anyone read over the side effects for your new meds…” Tobin shook her head. 

“Nuh-not…your…fault…h-hard…” Tobin stuttered. Her tongue felt heavy and like her brain had been dragged through mud.

“Take it easy.” Christen gently rubbed a hand over Tobin’s chest. 

Tobin closed her eyes and relaxed into the feeling of Christen’s hands on her and Christen’s voice singing softly. She lost awareness until the hand on her chest became slightly rougher.

“Hey, open your eyes, baby,” said Christen. Tobin blinked away. A nurse started taking her vitals. Every noise and touch felt like it was setting off sparks in her brain. She clung onto Christen’s hand. Half of Tobin’s face went numb, and she groaned.

The nurse put her vitals into the tablet. 

“Alright,” she said. “We’re going to give you something to help you go to sleep.” Tobin gritted her teeth. The nurse started attaching sensors to her forehead. Tobin tried not to flinch to minimal success. 

Another doctor walked in. Tobin looked up at her and shook her head. Christen kept humming as the doctor injected something into her IV. Tobin sniffled as the tension left her body. Christen held the oxygen mask to her face. The air smelled really bad. Tobin whined.

“I’ll be here when you wake up,” said Christen. Tobin nodded. She wouldn’t let go of Christen’s hand. “You’re okay, baby. I love you.” Tobin squeezed her hand again and let out a low whine. “I’m so sorry this happened, baby. It’s all my fault, isn’t it?” Tobin squeezed her eyes shut. Her face slowly relaxed.


	13. Chapter 13

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I think I'm getting to the end of this. Maybe only four or do chapters to go. Lemme know what you think.

The first thing Tobin was aware of was how incredibly dry her mouth was. She sniffled and licked her lips. 

“Shh…go back to sleep. You’re okay,” said Christen. Tobin blinked the crusts from her eyes. 

“Wha’?” muttered Tobin. She wiped off her eyes with the back of her hand. Christen grabbed a cloth from a table and cleaned off Tobin’s face. 

“You’ve been in and out for a few days,” said Christen. “You clustered really bad.” Tobin blinked and nodded. 

“Feel like…shit,” she said. 

“That’s what happens when you stop taking your meds,” said Christen. Tobin got quiet. Christen held a straw up to Tobin’s lips. Tobin took a sip. 

“Sorry,” she mumbled. Christen shook her head. 

“We’re not talking about this until your heads a little clearer,” said Christen. She wiped off Tobin’s face. 

“Head…clear…” muttered Tobin. 

“You said that the last two times,” said Christen. Tobin sunk down and rubbed her face. She didn’t remember that. “Sorry. It’s just been a lot…” Christen sighed. She looked older. More worn down. 

“Sorry,” said Tobin again. Christen shook her head. ‘

“Later, baby.” Tobin shook her head. 

“…love you,” said Tobin. Christen smiled and shook her head.

“If you love me, you’ll take better care of yourself,” she said quietly. “If you love me, you’ll listen.” Tobin blinked and nodded blearily. Tobin’s eyes drooped closed…  
***********************************************************************************  
Tobin woke up.

“Fuck.” She looked around. A nurse was taking her vitals. “How…huh-how long have…I buh-been out?” 

“You were admitted 5 days ago,” he said. He fiddled with the tubes from the IV. “You’ve been in and out for the last couple of days after we finally got your seizures under control and started to wean you off of the sedation.” Tobin nodded. “Dr. Reese needs to talk to you about your medications. What you did was really dangerous. It’s a miracle you didn’t completely fry your brain.” Tobin nodded and closed her eyes. Her headache had come back with a vengeance. 

The door creaked open. The noise reached into her skull and made nausea bubble up in her throat. 

“How’s she doing?” Tobin cracked an eye open to see Christen walking over to her side. Her warm hand smoothed back the hair on her forehead.

“Better. She just woke up and seemed quite coherent,” said the nurse. Christen looked down at Tobin. Tobin smiled softly and cracked her eyes open.

“Good morning, you,” said Christen. 

“Is it…morning?” said Tobin. 

“No. It’s two pm.” Christen smirked softly. Tobin nodded. 

“I’m sorry,” Tobin rasped. 

“I know,” said Christen. 

“I muh-made you…miss a guh—” 

“No,” Christen cut her off. “We’re not doing this yet.” Tobin nodded slowly. Her head ached far too much to argue. “We do need to talk about this, but you need to get better first, okay?” Tobin nodded. 

“Love you,” she said. Christen nodded. She leaned over and kissed Tobin’s forehead. Tobin’s hand reached out and grabbed hers. She had an odd feeling under her nose. Like she had to sneeze but couldn’t. A weird smell filled the room.

“Do you…smell—” 

Just like that her body arched backwards and her mind screamed. Her worn out muscles clenched and unclenched. It hurt. More than anything, it ached deep in her bones. 

“Chrrr…” mumbled Tobin. She was so tired. She just wanted it to stop. She just wanted to feel better. Tears and snot dripped down her face. Christen squeezed her hand and whispered sweet nothings in her ear. 

“Breath, baby. Please Tobin,” said Christen. The horrible feeling began to subside. Her joints relaxed. She gasped as her vision came back into focus.

“Ow…” mumbled Tobin. She looked down at her crotch. Wetness had gathered there. She wiped off the drool that gathered at the corner of her mouth. Tobin groaned “Dammit!” Spots still floated in front of her eyes. Nausea still rose up in her throat. She let her head fall back against the pillow roughly. 

“Take it easy,” said Christen. She was already moving the sheets out from under her, already working to wipe off Tobin’s legs and have the nurse bring in another sheet. Tobin tried not to cry. Tried not to feel utterly useless, like a baby who needed her diaper changed. Because she was a nearly 30-year-old women, either too old or too young for this. And here was her beautiful fiancée, cleaning her up. Tobin let out a small sob. Christen shushed her and rolled her back. 

“All done, baby,” she said. “Now just rest. I’ll be here when you wake up.” Tobin drifted back off.  
******************************************************************************  
“Need some help?” asked Kelley. Tobin shook her head and pushed herself up, reaching for the ice cream cup. “Your head feeling better?” Tobin shrugged. 

“M-more or less.” Tobin ate a spoonful. “Sorry. Sorry to…scare you. I just. They made me…they made me feel…gross…” Kelley nodded. 

“I know. I’m not mad. Alex might be…” Kelley rubbed her face. “You should’ve talked to us.”

“I know,” said Tobin. “Sorry. I thought—I thought I could…huh-handle it.” Kelley nodded and squeezed her hand.

“I sent Christen home for a little while after your last seizure. She needed a nap,” said Kelley. “She should be back soon.” Tobin nodded and tried to scoop up the last bit of ice cream. “They think your seizures should be under control. They wanna keep you for a few more days just to make sure.” Tobin nodded and leaned back against the upright head of the bed.

“How long is…is, um, Christen staying?” said Tobin. 

“She said as long as you need her,” said Kelley. Tobin nodded and bit her lip.

The door creaked open again. 

Tobin looked up.

“Hi,” said Christen. Tobin smiled. 

“I’ll leave you two alone,” said Kelley. She squeezed Tobin’s shoulder and patted Christen’s on her way out. 

“How’s your head?” asked Christen. 

“Better.” Tobin cleared her throat. “Can…thuh-think clearly now.” Christen nodded. “Sorry I yelled at you. Sorry I pushed you away. Did-didn’t deserve it. You…were trying to help.” 

“It’s fine,” said Christen. “They were quiet a beat too long.

“You’re…suffocating me,” said Tobin. Christen’s eyebrows creased. 

“What?” 

“I just…I nuh-need space. I don’t…need you…” Tobin squeezed her eyes shut. “Constant watch…coddle! I don’t need to…to be coddled.” Christen stared at her in shock. “I can’t get better…better if you are—better if you’re being so s-soft. C-can’t always have…something to fallback on…”

“So I’m just supposed to let you seize?” Christen demanded.

“Until…I ask for help…I know my limits…” said Tobin. “Trust me.”

“I’m supposed to trust you after you pulled this? Tobin, look around!” 

“I want to get better…but y-you make me feel useless! Better is having purpose…don’t have purpose when…you do everything for me! Don’t nuh-need it.” Christen nodded. 

“Fine. Okay. What do you want me to do?” Christen snapped.

“Go back to…” Tobin blinked. “Soccer. Let me…recover.”

“With who? Alex and Kelley don’t know how to take care of you. And you don’t want to stay with your parents…” 

“I’ll…fig’re something out…” said Tobin. “Please, Chris…ten.” Christen rubbed her face. 

“You know, I need a break,” said Christen. She got up and walked out the door.


	14. Chapter 14

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Finally another chapter...and it only took two weeks. Yikes. Sorry. More to come soon.

Tobin rolled the putty around on her tray and stared at the clock. 

The door opened. 

“Hello, Tobin,” said Dr. Reese. Tobin nodded. “How are you feeling?”

“Better,” said Tobin. The nurse started taking down vitals. 

“I have a suggestion,” said Dr. Reese. “And I know that you don’t like them, but you should actually listen to this one. I think you would benefit from more inpatient rehab. Once you went back home, a lot of problems resurface. It would just be for a few weeks. I would suggest something intensive. They would keep a close eye on your medication. You could be transferred as soon as tomorrow, if you like.” Tobin nodded slowly. 

“I want to think…to think about…but maybe…” Dr. Reese smiled at her.

“Good. You seem to be doing a lot better. Your seizures have been lessening. As long as you stay on your meds, you should keep doing well,” she said. “You were doing pretty well until you stopped your meds.” Tobi shook her head. 

“N-no. I wasn’t…” she said. “Hurt…all the time.” Tobin shook her head. “Fuh-feel like I can’t do anything.” Dr. Reese nodded. 

“Thank you for telling me,” Dr. Reese said. “I really think that if you go back into a rehab center and talk with some specialists, you can come up with a plan to help you manage your remaining symptoms.”

“Do you thuh-think I can get better?” asked Tobin.

“Better? Yes. I think you can eliminate your stutter in most everyday interactions. I think you can get your seizures under control. You can probably find ways to manage the pain, lethargy, and confusion. You will always have good days and bad days, but I believe you can make great strides to be able to have a full-time job and live a full life.” Tobin nodded. “I’ll leave you some brochures, so you can thing about it, talk about it with whoever you need to.” Tobin nodded again. Dr. Reese patted her knee. 

“I’ll see you tomorrow. Call the nurse if you need anything,” she said. She left. 

Tobin leaned back against the pillows and let out a slow breath. She rubbed her face and stared at the brochures on the rolling table. She reached for her glasses with her steadier hand. She slid them back on her nose and leaned forward, squinting at it. 

“Okay, c’mon, Tobs,” she mumbled. “You can do this…”   
*****************************************************************************  
“Wat’cha reading?” Tobin looked over, at a smiling Christen. 

“H-hey.” Damn it. “Uh…just some stuff.” Christen nodded and put an arm around her shoulder. 

“What kind of stuff?” Christen looked over at the brochure and her eyebrows creased. “Why are you looking into a rehab center? You hated the last one.” Tobin swallowed. 

“I’ve…been guh-getting really…tired of feeling shitty,” said Tobin. “Doc suggested…it…I think it…could help.”

“But Tobin, you fucking hated being in that place. You were miserable. You just wanted to come home,” said Christen.

“Wanted to be with you…” said Tobin. 

“And it’s your fault I’m not,” Christen snapped. Tobin bit her lip. “Shit. Sorry. I didn’t mean it like that. I know you’re trying.” Tobin rubbed her face.

“You deserve better…” Tobin held up a finger before Christen could interrupt her. “And I can guh-give it to you…I want…to give it to you. But I nuh-need to fix myself…before I can be…who I need...for you.” Christen bit her lip and shook her head. 

“Baby, I know what you said. I know that you want me to give you more independence. I’ll do that. Please don’t go to rehab. I want you at home with me,” said Christen. “Please.” Tobin shook her head. 

“You nuh-need to…go back to…Swuh-swed-sweden…and finish contract…while I get…better,” said Tobin. Christen shook her head. 

“No!” said Christen. “No. We can get better at home. We can do this together. The team doesn’t mean anything to me. I want to do this with you.” Christen rubbed the tears running down her face.

“I’ll buh-be fine. I need…to do this,” said Tobin. “It will…only be a few…weeks.” Christen was shaking her head. 

“Please. I’m so sorry I left you. I didn’t want you to do this. I’ll be better. I’ll take better care of you,” said Christen.

“But I don’t…want you to—to take care of me. You’re my…girlfriend,” said Tobin. “I wuh-want you to…go back to…being my girlfriend.” A plethora of emotions passed over Christen’s face. 

Kelley banged the door open.

“Wassup, nerds?—Oh, jeez. Bad timing. I am so sorry. I’m going to go. You just can work this out. I am so—”

“Kelley?” Alex walked in behind her. Everything seemed to dawn on her. 

“If you guys need us, we’ll be in the hall,” said Alex. She pulled Kelley out of the door. 

Christen let out a watery chuckle. She looked up and shook her head. 

“God…” said Christen. “This has all been so much. How did all this happen?” Tobin looked away and shrugged. “I still love you.” Christen sniffled and rubbed her nose. “I love you so much. I never wanted to break up with you. I’ll love you forever. It’s just really hard.”

“I know,” said Tobin. Christen rubbed her face. 

“There’s no guidebook for this. I want to hold you until it’s better. But that’s not…” Christen shook her head. “That’s not practical. You need your freedom. To get better and to feel good about yourself. I know this, it’s just…it’s so hard…” Christen shook her head. 

“I know this sounds selfish,” said Christen. “I can’t imagine how this feels for you.” Christen shook her head. “What can I do for you?” Tobin shook her head and shrugged.

“Go back to Sweden,” said Tobin. Christen nodded slowly. “And please…trust me. I know I…haven’t been doing…great…but I know what I need. I can do it. Next time you come back…I’ll be good. I’ll be better.” Christen nodded slowly. Tobin reached out her hand. “I love you.”

“I love you too.”


	15. Chapter 15

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have a special plan for the last chapter...so stay soon. 
> 
> Lemme know what you think!!

_“Hey, it’s Tobin. You know what to do.”_

_“Hey, babe. It’s me. I just landed in Sweden._

_“The most adorable, well-behaved little kid was sitting behind me. His mom recognized me, and he spent half the flight asking me what it was like to be a professional soccer play. It was really cute. I don’t think he really understood what was going on, but he was really excited.”_

_“Let me know how you’re doing, okay? I wanna know about the rehab center. And I’m not going to ask Kelley about you. I’m going to trust you and let you do whatever. But you have to let me know that you’re okay._

_“Love you. Bye.”_

_************************************************************************************_

_“Hey. It’s been a couple days. I still haven’t heard from you. I mean, you haven’t called me. I miss you. I want to hear your voice._

_“I’m really sorry about all the shitty things I said to you. Please don’t be mad at me. I know this has been a huge mess. I’m trying so hard. I can’t make things better if you don’t let me.” Christen sighed._

_“I didn’t want to ask Kelley and Alex what’s going on with you. But I needed to know that you’re okay. Baby, please call me. I love you.”_

_************************************************************************************_

_“Hey again, baby. I heard that Alex and Kelley are dating? Call me back, I don’t even have anyone to gossip with._

_“I miss you. I want to hear your voice again. Please call me, Tobin.”_

_*********************************************************************************_

Tobin balanced on a yoga ball and stared at a flash card being held by a therapist.

 

“Huh, uh, helmet,” said Tobin. She rocked back and forth trying not to fall off of it. The therapist flipped the card. “Ch…air.” Another card. “Train.” Tobin swallowed. “Puh-peach.” Tobin felt her hips shift, and her core ache. “Bear. Um…” The ball slid from under her. She tumbled forward. Someone grabbed her under the arms and pulled her up onto a chair.

 

“Woah,” said Kelley. “Please don’t crack your face open.” Tobin smirked.

 

“Hey.” Kelley helped her stand up. Tobin leaned on one of the pieces of exercise equipment.

 

“How are you doing?” asked Kelley.

 

“Pretty…good,” said Tobin. “Less stuttering…”  The therapist looked over at Kelley, shuffling some flashcards.

 

“She’s doing really well; she’s just being really hard on herself.” Tobin gave her a look. “What? You are? She feels like she’s still talking slow.”

 

“You’ve always talked slow,” said Kelley. Tobin sighed. “How the pain?”

 

“Chronic,” said Tobin. Kelley shook her head.

 

“At least your humor is intact,” said Kelley. Tobin smirked.

 

“It’s a little…better. Body, um, hurts less…head still hurts a lot,” said Tobin. Kelley nodded. Tobin looked from her therapist to Kelley. “Wanna…go for…a walk?” Kelley nodded.

 

The air was cool but not too cold. Tobin’s hoodie—well Christen’s hoodie—was enough to keep her warm.

 

Kelley carried Tobin cane as she attempted to walk without it. Her gait was a little weird.

 

“So,” said Kelley. “You’re doing well.” Tobin nodded. “When are you getting out?”

 

“A week,” said Tobin. “Maybe…maybe a little more. I’m not…um, in a rush.”

 

“You really do seem like you’re doing better,” said Kelley. “You sound more or less like you used to.”

 

“Thinking’s hard,” said Tobin. “But, um, one seizure since I’ve been here.”

 

“That’s really good,” said Kelley. Tobin nodded.

 

“Feel better.” Tobin faltered but caught herself on Kelley’s arm. Kelly didn’t comment.

 

“So…you’re ignoring Christen,” said Kelley. Tobin looked away. “Why?”

 

“Um, scared,” said Tobin. She held out her hand for the cane. Kelley handed it to her wordlessly. “Don’t want…don’t want to dis-disappoint her.” Tobin swallowed. “I promised her…I’d do buh-better…I muh-mean…” Tobin swallowed and closed her eyes. “I’d promised her that…I’d be better…when she came back…I don’t if I can do it.”

 

“You’re already are doing so much better,” said Kelley.

 

“Still…I still feel …direct-directionless,” said Tobin. Kelley nodded.

 

“I actually have an idea about that,” said Kelley. Tobin raised an eyebrow. “I know you’re not huge about coaching, but what about little kids? Like elementary school?” Tobin paused. “I since they’re so young, it wouldn’t be about winning. It would be about fun and mentorship.” Tobin nodded slowly. “Your church is hiring for their 7 to 8-year-old girls’ team.” Tobin nodded again. “You don’t have to tell me right away. We have a few more weeks before they need to know but…” Tobin nodded.

 

“That…might be good,” said Tobin.

 

“The season is really short. It’s only like 4 weeks. So if you don’t like it we can try something else,” said Kelley. Tobin nodded.

 

“That sounds…good,” she said. “Kids are neat.” They stopped at the door back inside. Kelley opened it for her. Tobin grinned. “Should pr-probably practice my moves.”

 

“Eh, kids under the age of ten are easy to impress,” said Kelley. Kelley gently threw a ball at Tobin. She stopped it with her cane. Tobin smirked. She dribbled the ball. Kelley walked out to her and stood up right next to her defending her.

 

“Can you get around me? Can you?” Kelley tried not to giggle. “I don’t think you.” Tobin couldn’t stop smiling as, putting what she thought to be an embarrassing about of weight on her cane as she nutmegged Kelley.

 

“Goddamn,” said Kelley. “Nice.” Kelley reached over to hi-five her. Tobin took her weight off of the cane. She felt herself tip forward. Kelley caught her once again.

 

“You know what?” said Kelley. “Baby steps.”  


	16. Christen

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next chapter is the epilogue...I'm sure you can figure out what that's about...
> 
> Thanks for reading!!

Christen took a deep breath and rubbed her face. She’d tried to sleep on the plane, but her constant exhaustion and jet lag had fried her brain. After leaving Tobin the way she had, relaxing was out of the question.

She walked down to the fields behind the large church. She could see the young kids running around the field, some in green shirts and some in orange, attempting to play soccer with a ball that seemed far too big for their little legs.

On the far side of the soccer field, she could make out something she hope was the form of Tobin shouting by the sidelines. Christen jogged closer.

“Katie, other way!” Tobin yelled. “Go to…your right! Yeah. There you go!” Tobin smiled looking far too pleased with herself as one of the girls changes directions. 

Christen felt someone grab her arm for the row of lawn chairs. 

“Don’t distract her,” said a voice. Christen looked down at Alex. “She does better when she only has one thing to focus on. If you surprise her now, she’ll mess up.” Christen nodded and took a seat on the ground next to Alex and Kelley’s chairs. The girl in the green shirt, Katie, shot a ball and made it in the goal. Tobin cheered and did a cute little dance. 

“Wow. She’s doing really well,” said Christen. Kelley nodded. 

“She’s having a really good day today. Also I made her take some pain killers. Her head’s still hurting.” Christen nodded now. “She’s doing a lot better, but not perfect. She’ll never be perfect.” Christen shook her head. 

“I love Tobin. But she was never perfect. And neither am I. I don’t want us to be perfect. I want us to be together. I want us to be happy,” said Christen. Kelley made a gagging noise, and Alex punched her in the arm. 

“By the way, we’re dating,” said Alex. She nudged Kelley. 

“Finally, you tell her,” said Kelley. They wrapped their hands intertwined with each other. Christen smiled and squeezed her hands together. 

“Who’s winning?” asked Christen. 

“Tobin’s team,” said Kelley. “The green ones.” 

“They aren’t particular good, you know, since they’re, like, 8, but Tobin somehow got them to work together, so they’re doing pretty okay.” Christen smiled to herself as she watched Tobin wave her arms wildly to the girls on the field. Christen glanced over at Kelley.

“Thank you,” said Christen. Kelley shook her head. 

“I just suggested this. It was all Tobin,” said Kelley. Alex shrugged, and Kelley swatted at her.

“The game is almost over,” said Alex. 

Christen watched as one of the girls scored after nearly tripping over another one. 

“They’re cute,” said Christen. 

“Tobin?” asked Alex, smirking.

“The kids,” said Christen. Alex nudged her.

There was a whistle.

“It’s over, go,” said Alex. She shoved Christen up. 

Christen ran over to the huddled of girls where Tobin and a man stood. Tobin and Christen made eye contact. Christen started running. Everything drowned out. It was just her and Christen. Her beautiful fiancée. The woman she loved. 

Christen all but threw herself at Tobin, who nearly caught her as they fell to the ground, kissing her. Christen pulled back.

“Shit, Tobin are you okay? I’m so sorry. Did I hit your head?” Tobin shook her head. 

“Chris. I’m fine,” said Tobin. “Don’t worry about me.” Christen leaned back to kiss her. Tobin’s hands roamed her back. 

“Let’s keep this…PG in front of the…kids,” said Tobin. Christen laughed and pushed Tobin off of her.

“Are you two married?” asked one of the little girls. Tobin smiled.

“Not yet.”  
**********************************************************************************  
“It was really hard,” said Tobin. “Rehab. It…” Her and Christen were walking down the street walking the dogs. “I’m not…” Tobin looked away. “One hundred percent…” Christen shrugged. 

“I just want you. However you feel happy.”

“Sap,” said Tobin. 

“You do feel better, right?” said Christen. Tobin nodded and stopped as one of the dogs needed to pee. 

“I get, um, tired really…easy. And the pain…other than that I’m okay most days,” said Tobin. “Walking’s not…as hard. ‘M more…coordinated…” Christen nodded. 

“I’m sorry I left. I’m sorry I wasn’t more understanding,” said Christen. Tobin shrugged.

“I was shitty too,” said Tobin.

“But you were hurt.” The dogs started walking again. Christen almost missed the tightening muscles of Tobin’s shoulders and the flash of anger on her face.

“Stop…acting like the TBI…made everything, um, every—that I did okay,” said Tobin. “What I did was shitty. My, my reason wasn’t, um, an excuse.” Christen nodded. 

“You’re right.”

“I’m not a, a child. I know what…I did…it was wrong…I did it anyway…We both made mistakes…because this is an imp—hard thing to…figure out…So I want to…I want to marry you…” Tobin played with her ring. “I still love you…always will.” Christen sniffled and wiped her eye. 

“I do too. And I’m sorry for how I behaved. You are right. What you did was wrong, but I should have stepped back or guided you to helping you help yourself. I enabled your behavior and coddled you,” said Christen. “And I will always love you too.” 

“So…we’re still getting married?” asked Tobin. 

“I don’t think that was ever a question,” said Christen. She leaned in and kissed Tobin, and finally everything felt the way it was supposed to.


	17. The wedding

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So this is it. I know it's a little rushed but I really wanted to finish this up.
> 
> So thanks!

“I’m gonna…throw up,” said Tobin. 

“Don’t. You’ll ruin your make-up,” said Alex. Tobin took a deep breath and closed her eyes. 

Today was the day. She was getting married. Jesus. Alex grabbed her hand as Tobin went to rub her face. Alex gently pulled Tobin to a chair and handed her a glass of water. Alex rubbed her shoulders.

“Take it easy. You haven’t had a seizure in six weeks. Don’t ruin it now,” said Alex. Tobin nodded. She took a deep breath. “And you’re having a muscle spasm right, now aren’t you?” Tobin nodded.

“Thigh…” Alex nodded. She bent down next to her.

“Which one? This one?” Tobin nodded. Alex stuck her hand under her dress and started massaging the side of her thigh. Tobin bit her lip and groaned slightly. She squeezed Alex’s shoulder. 

There was a knock on the door, and Kelley rushed in. 

“You’re like nine minutes behind schedule,” said Kelley. “And what…? Oh. Wait. Spasm.” Tobin nodded. She took slow deep breaths, trying to center herself. Tobin bit her lip. 

“Everything hurts…” said Tobin. “I was…nervous and…excited…I couldn’t, couldn’t sleep.” Tobin shuddered and swallowed hard. “What if I…seize? What if, If I-I fall? I don’t wuh-wanna go up in a wheelchair. Or a…chair…I just…I want this to-to be per-perfect.” Alex looked over at Kelley. Kelley walked out. Tobin sniffled. Alex rubbed her back. 

After a second, Kelley came back with Christen behind her. 

“Yeah, yeah, yeah, not supposed to see the bride before her wedding, whatever,” said Kelley. “Fix this.” Christen rolled her eyes at Kelley.

“Hi, baby,” said Christen. She next down in front of her. She stroked her cheek. Tobin pushed Christen away and vomited on the floor in front of her. 

“Sorry,” said Tobin. Christen shook her head and turned Tobin away from the vomit. 

“Hey. It’s okay,” said Christen. 

“I don’t wuh-wanna…muh-mess this up,” said Tobin. 

“Nothing you can do will mess this up, Tobin,” said Christen. “Our wedding day doesn’t have to be perfect. I just want us to be together. I want us to be happy. If you get sick, if something happens, it will still be just what I want. All I want if you.” Tobin nodded slowly. “You have been doing so well. You are so strong and brave, and I want to spend the rest of my life with you. No matter what happens today.” Tobin nodded and sniffled. Christen got up and kissed her forehead. “I’ll see you in a little bit. Brush your teeth.”  
**********************************************************************************  
Even though Tobin had already seen Christen, Christen looked so beautiful. Her hair was up beautifully. The dress hugged her in all the right places. It was a beautiful dress on a beautiful woman. The sun set behind Tobin. The ocean crashed quietly in the background. Tobin blinked back some tears. 

“Hi there,” said Christen, as she got to the alter. Tobin nodded and bit her lip. 

“You look…gorgeous,” said Tobin. Christen smiled at her briefly. 

Tobin managed to get through her vows with only minimal stuttering. Tobin could barely absorb Christen’s vows. Christen looked stunning, and Tobin could feel that at least a migraine was beginning to form. 

Somehow Tobin managed to make it through to the kiss and the walk down the aisle. Tobin leaned in and kissed Christen. 

“Smells weird…wuh-weird smell…seizure,” said Tobin. Understanding dawned on Christen’s face. Christen reached up and rubbed Tobin’s cheek. 

“Can you get to the tent? There’s a cot,” said Christen. Tobin nodded.

“I think…” 

Christen pushed Tobin into the tent. Tobin fell on her knees on the cot about a second before she could feel herself begin to seize. 

It was a quick one. She blinked back to her body. Tobin looked around. 

“How long…?” asked Tobin. Christen was sitting up next to her, in a dress that wasn’t her wedding gown. 

“The seizure was less than a minute. You slept for 20 minutes,” said Christen. Tobin nodded and sat up. 

“Wait…you’re my wife,” said Tobin. She grinned a huge goofy grin. Christen rolled her eyes and smiled back at her. They kissed. Warm and soft and loving and …happy. 

“C’mon,” said Christen. “We still have to cut the cake. Change.”  
*********************************************************************************  
It was the best day of Tobin’s life. Even when she messed up cutting the cake because she had an absent seizure. Even when had to sit down during the first slow dance because she thought her legs were going to give out. Even when she had another seizure and basically landed in her own food. 

But at the end of the night, when they danced together it felt right.

“I’m s-sorry I…ruh-ruined it,” said Tobin. Christen kissed her cheek and went back to resting her head on Tobin’s shoulder. 

“You ruined nothing,” said Christen. “It was wonderful. I am okay with our new normal. I love you.” Tobin sniffled. 

“I love you too,” said Tobin. They continued dancing slowly. “I’m ruh-really…tired.” Christen nodded.

“Do you want to go back to the hotel?” 

“I don’t…wuh-want to dissa-dissapoint any…one,” said Tobin.

“They’re our friends and our family. They’ll understand,” said Christen. Tobin nodded. 

“You’ll under…stand?” said Tobin. Christen nodded. 

“I’ll always try,” she said. Tobin nodded. 

“I really…ruh-really just wanna…go to…bed,” said Tobin. 

“Okay,” said Christen. She ran her hand through Tobin’s hair. 

“I mean I…I duh-don’t wanna…do…I wuh-wanna go to bed,” said Tobin. “I duh-don’t wanna…have sex…” Christen smiled softly.

“Okay. We can cuddle and go to bed,” she said. Tobin nodded. “You know you don’t need to be insecure. You know that I’ll love you no matter what.”

“Good,” said Tobin. “Now luh-let’s eat…and watch bad TV…and sleep.”

“As wives,” said Christen.

“As wives,” said Tobin.


End file.
